


Text Alert

by startraveller776



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Alternate Universe - Online Dating, F/M, Flirting, Online Friendship, Online Relationship, Online Romance, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2020-10-16 22:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 16,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20610713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startraveller776/pseuds/startraveller776
Summary: Late one night, Jane found herself in an online chat room  for Harvard alums. She and the user youweremadetoberuled hit it off and began a strange, anonymous friendship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was initially just posted on Tumblr as it was "screenshots" of messages between Jane and Loki. I'm going to link to each "chat" on Tumblr so you can see it in its original glory. Here, however, it will be just plain old texts.
> 
> A thousand thanks to HitMeWithAnAxeOneTime for helping me fix the originally botched Norwegian!
> 
> (This first installment is significantly shorter than the rest!)

[Screenshot on Tumblr](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187642829118/text-alert-summary-late-one-night-jane-found)

_lorentziantw86:_ Post hostile take-over blues?

**youweremadetoberuled:** And jetlag. All this travel is really quite tedious.

_lorentziantw86:_ I kinda have a hard time pitying the wealthy businessman.

**youweremadetoberuled:** You would if you could see the puppy dog eyes I'm making at my phone right now. It's embarrassing.

_lorentziantw86:_ LOL! Probably. I'm a total sucker for sad eyes.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😁 I heard a joke today and thought of you.

_lorentziantw86:_ Oh, yeah?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?

_lorentziantw86:_ (I'm going to regret this.) Why?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum. And when they find the momentum, they can't find the position.

_lorentziantw86:_ OMG That is the worst one yet.

**youweremadetoberuled:** You laughed. Admit it. 

_lorentziantw86:_ I admit nothing. 😝   
Unfortunately, I have to go. My model finished generating. Good luck with your layover. Be nice to the flight attendants! 😉


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Links work in this chat, by the way.

[Screenshots on Tumblr](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187657843543/janes-quiz-results-lokis-quiz-results-text)

_lorentziantw86:_ So, my assistant is making me take a stupid online quiz, and I've decided that you have to do it, too. I'm spreading the misery.   
😉

**youweremadetoberuled:** How terribly thoughtful of you. Link?

_lorentziantw86: _<http://colorquiz.com/>   
You have to link your results when you're done. (No cheating!) I'll link mine. Deal?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Yes, yes. Is this entire quiz merely clicking on random colours? Seems rather silly.

_lorentziantw86:_ Hence the reason I called it "stupid."

**youweremadetoberuled:** Point taken. (Is it absolutely necessary to wait the full 110 seconds before proceeding?)

_lorentziantw86:_ I didn't. Got your results yet? Link?   
Here are mine: <http://colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,4,3,6,5,1,2,0,7,3,3,4,6,5,1,2,0,7,4&p=full>

**youweremadetoberuled:** So impatient, dear Lorentzian. I opted up wait the allotted time. Chose the same colours in the same order, though.   
Results: <http://colorquiz.com/results.php?code=m,2,7,1,0,6,5,3,4,2,2,7,0,1,6,5,4,3,0&p=full>

_lorentziantw86:_ "Is stubborn and strong-willed, once his mind is made up it is impossible to change it."   
You sound like loads of fun, Mr. Corporate Tycoon.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Tell me, Ms. Scientist, how is it do you think one becomes a Corporate Tycoon? By being a push-over? I do what I want.   
😈   
Besides, you're one to talk, Ms. 'can sometimes come off as overbearing and nosy'.

_lorentziantw86:_ Hey! It said some nice things about me, too!

**youweremadetoberuled:** As did mine.

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah? Which one is your favorite?

**youweremadetoberuled:** I'm devilishly handsome and exceptionally skilled in the bedroom.

_lorentziantw86:_ Huh. I must have missed where it said that in your results. I think you're exceptional incorrigible.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I'm that, too. You do have a lovely personality, if there is any truth to this quiz.

_lorentziantw86:_ That was...actually nice. Thank you. You have a nice personality, too.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Please. My results were absolute rubbish. But I shall take the compliment, anyway.   
As much as I've enjoyed our little interlude, duty calls. The world won't conquer itself. Until next time, my dear Lorentzian.

_lorentziantw86:_ Bye! Good luck on your world domination! 


	3. Chapter 3

[Screenshots on Tumblr](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187660527478/text-alert-previous-summary-late-one-night-jane)

**youweremadetoberuled:** What the devil are you doing up so late?

_lorentziantw86:_ It's not that late here. And work never sleeps. (Not at night, anyway.) How about you?   
Is it late where you are?

**youweremadetoberuled:** It depends on when you believe 'late' becomes 'early'.

_lorentziantw86:_ I'd say "early" starts around 4 am.

**youweremadetoberuled:** It seems that it's 'early', then.

_lorentziantw86:_ I know we're avoiding personal details, but I'm going to make a wild guess and say London?

**youweremadetoberuled:** That was your rule, not mine, and yes. London. For the next few days.

_lorentziantw86:_ I figured you were British with your extra u's and your high-falooting English.   
😉

**youweremadetoberuled:** Wrong.

_lorentziantw86:_ Wait, what? What do you mean "wrong"?

**youweremadetoberuled:** I'm not British.

_lorentziantw86:_ Well, damn. I've been reading everything you type with a British accent. There goes that fantasy.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😏   
Would it please you to know that I do, in fact, have a British accent?   
(And I wouldn't mind hearing more about these fantasies you've been having about me.)

_lorentziantw86:_ Yes, that makes me feel better. Though, you're going to have to explain how you have a British accent without being British.   
(OMG! No way, buddy.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** It's simple. I was born in Sweden, raised in Norway, and schooled in England--aside from my graduate studies in the States, of course.   
(Now you've made me terribly curious. Tell me one of yours, and I'll tell you one of mine.)

_lorentziantw86:_ No, no, it's not like that! I don't think of you that way.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Pity.   
I digress. Just a bit of fun, yes? You're entertaining when you're flustered. I meant no harm.

_lorentziantw86:_ You're going to be a gentleman? Good.

**youweremadetoberuled:** A gentleman? Me? I suppose there's a first time for everything. 

_lorentziantw86:_ You just don't quit, do you?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Never.

_lorentziantw86:_ ANYWAY   
Norway! Where abouts? My godfather is from Norway. I visited Tromso once when I was a kid. Saw the Aurora Borealis.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Oh, yes. It's quite beautiful.

_lorentziantw86:_ Do you ever go back?   
To Norway, I mean?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Not if I can help it.

_lorentziantw86:_ ?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Family drama.

_lorentziantw86:_ Ah. Gotcha.   
Still, at least you've got a family. A family with drama is better than no family at all, right?

**youweremadetoberuled:** You haven't met my family.

_lorentziantw86:_ I guess I can't argue with you there.   
So... you live in London now?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Not precisely.

_lorentziantw86:_ You're such an enigma! You have a British accent, but you aren't British. You have a degree in physics but you're a jet-setting CEO (?) making millions (billions?) in the business world. And you kinda sorta maybe live in London but not really.   
Any other dichotomies I should know about?   
(Of course, you could just be making all of this up. Because, you know, it's the internet.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** (Don't forget 'devilishly handsome and an expert in the bedroom'. But then, those are synonymous rather than dichotomous.) In all seriousness, every word is true.

_lorentziantw86:_ And humble, too. 😜   
Well, my eyelids are starting to droop. I'm gonna let the computer generate data while I catch some z's. Have a good morning, my Swedish, Norwegian, British-accented friend.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Sov godt, min vakre vitenskapskvinne. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:
> 
> Sov godt, min vakre vitenskapskvinne. = Goodnight, my beautiful scientist.


	4. Chapter 4

[Screenshots on Tumblr](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187663715468/text-alert-previous-summary-late-one-night-jane)

_lorentziantw86:_ I swear, sometimes it feels like 99% of my work is writing grant proposals.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Science is not the romantic venture of chasing after whatever it is you chase after?

_lorentziantw86:_ Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that you're smirking?

**youweremadetoberuled:** I would never. 

_lorentziantw86:_ I don't believe you. Your messages always come off as British-y and smirk-y.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Damn. You know me too well.

_lorentziantw86:_ Except you're not British. I remember. Scandinavian, right? Are you all tall and Nordic, then?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Oh, yes. I'm a 6'7, 18 stone behemoth come to pillage the stock markets of the world.

_lorentziantw86:_ You're teasing me. (And no, I did not just Google how many pounds are in a stone.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** You do make it easy for me. (And I strangely don't believe you.)

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah, well. Whatever.   
😝   
Seriously, though. I bet there are loads of boring things you have to do for your work.

**youweremadetoberuled:** My days are spent signing paperwork, shagging my secretary, and then attending gallery openings with my supermodel lover.   
It's all horribly tedious. I honestly don't know how I survive it.

_lorentziantw86:_ You're terrible.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Thank you. I do try. 😉   
I typically let my assistant handle the greater part of the mundane tasks. Don't you have one of those?

_lorentziantw86:_ She's not exactly qualified. She's a political science major.

**youweremadetoberuled:** How terribly useful.

_lorentziantw86:_ Be nice.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😇 I'm always nice.

_lorentziantw86:_ I think the word you're looking for is "never."

**youweremadetoberuled:** Never. Always. Same difference.   
Jeg er slem på alle de riktige måtene.

_lorentziantw86:_ Do I even want to know?

**youweremadetoberuled:** I have no doubt that your curiosity will get the better of you in the end.

_lorentziantw86:_ 😮

**youweremadetoberuled:** As I said.

_lorentziantw86:_ Is it physically impossible for you to NOT throw in lots of innuendo in every conversation?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Bare med deg, ildfulle kvinne. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Jeg er slem på alle de riktige måtene = I'm bad in all the right ways.   
Bare med deg, ildfulle kvinne = Only with you, fiery woman.


	5. Chapter 5

[SCREENCAPS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187837000428/text-alert)

_lorentziantw86:_ Are you online? Or is your phone online?   
It doesn't matter, I guess. I'm just sending this into the void.   
Do you ever do stupid things because you have a crush on someone?   
What am I talking about? You probably would never. You probably have girls giving you their numbers as soon as you walk into a room.   
Never mind. Just ignore this message. I'm getting too little sleep and too much caffeine lately.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I could be extraordinarily unattractive.

_lorentziantw86:_ OMG. You are online! 😯   
I can't believe you read that.   
Even if you were unattractive, you probably still get dates. Because money and suits on men are like lingerie and big boobs on women.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🤣   
So that's why women keep throwing themselves at me. Thank you for clearing up that mystery--aside from my dashing good looks, of course.   
(Exactly how much have you had to drink, my dear Lorentzian?)

_lorentziantw86:_ You're really awful, you know that?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Yes, I believe we established that early in our correspondence.   
(You didn't answer the question.)

_lorentziantw86:_ Just a glass of wine.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🤨

_lorentziantw86:_ A big glass. 

**youweremadetoberuled:** Lightweight.

_lorentziantw86:_ Guilty as charged. I'm not a very big person in height or weight.

**youweremadetoberuled:** And I imagined you to be a six foot Amazonian woman. How disappointing.

_lorentziantw86:_ 😡   
I'd tell you to be nice, but you never are.

**youweremadetoberuled:** And yet you still speak with me--almost daily.

_lorentziantw86:_ 😝

**youweremadetoberuled:** Tell me what silly thing you've done in the name of infatuation.

_lorentziantw86:_ I was kinda hoping you'd forget about that.

**youweremadetoberuled:** You're not that fortunate.   
I'm ignoring my date in favor of hearing your tale of woe, by the way.

_lorentziantw86:_ Seriously? That's so rude! You're talking with me while you're on a date with another woman??

**youweremadetoberuled:** Jealous? 

_lorentziantw86:_ No! Ew!   
OMG. I just realized it's the middle of the night there. Please tell me that you're NOT at your place (or her place) getting a "nightcap" because GROSS. 

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😂   
You are an endless source of entertainment, min vakre vitenskapskvinne. I'm having a very difficult time pretending that this is emergency business correspondence. (Also, it's not at all late where I currently am.)

_lorentziantw86:_ Again, so rude!

**youweremadetoberuled:** You are infinitely more fascinating than she is.   
Explain something to me, why is it that women believe all that is necessary to capture a wealthy husband are good looks?

_lorentziantw86:_ Because wealthy men want arm candy.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Only fools. (And foolish men don't stay wealthy for long despite a good pre-nup.)

_lorentziantw86:_ So you're telling me that you don't want a beautiful wife?

**youweremadetoberuled:** No, I'm saying that if beauty is all she has to offer, then she is worthless to me. Beauty depreciates. Beauty alone becomes altogether too tedious. A clever mind with insatiable curiosity will always hold my interest.

_lorentziantw86:_ So you'd rather have brains than beauty?

**youweremadetoberuled:** The two don't have to be mutually exclusive.

_lorentziantw86:_ 😜   
And what about you? What do you have to offer your future wife other than money and your spurious good looks?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Care I find out in person? 😉   
(I would think that our regular interactions have long since proven me to be anything but boring.)

_lorentziantw86:_ Ha! If by "anything but boring" you mean total rascal, then yes, you're anything but boring.

**youweremadetoberuled:** High compliments from you, indeed.   
Unfortunately, I must go. My date is pouting. It's really quite unbecoming. Don't believe that I'll forget about this 'crush' of yours. I'll expect a full recounting the next time we speak.

_lorentziantw86:_ Ugh! You won't let me live that down, will you? Of course not. You're you. Fine. Bye. Be nice to your date. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> min vakre vitenskapskvinne = my beautiful scientist


	6. Chapter 6

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187837583678/text-alert)

**youweremadetoberuled:** Good evening, min vakre vitenskapskvinne.

_lorentziantw86:_ Please tell me you're not on a date right now.

**youweremadetoberuled:** And if I was?

_lorentziantw86:_ You really have no shame at all.

**youweremadetoberuled:** It's terribly quaint how you're always surprised by my less-than-noble ways. I'm rather fond of it.  
To ease your troubled mind: I'm not in a date.

_lorentziantw86:_ Well, that's a relief.

**youweremadetoberuled:** For both you and myself. I'm weary of women tittering and batting their eyelashes at me.

_lorentziantw86:_ Maybe stop shopping at Models R Us?

**youweremadetoberuled:** You may have a point. Where do you recommend that I acquire my women?

_lorentziantw86:_ Women? Plural? You need more than one?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Since you won't deign to see me outside of this, then yes. I'm certain it will take several women to equal one like you.

_lorentziantw86:_ Aren't we laying it on a little thick tonight?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Oh, indeed. It's all part of my nefarious plan to woo you into my dastardly clutches.  
Is it working?

_lorentziantw86:_ Not one bit. (My assistant is wondering why I'm laughing so hard.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** Damn. It was worth a try. I'll find another way. (I'm jealous of your assistant.)

_lorentziantw86:_ Why?

**youweremadetoberuled:** I should think it fairly obvious.   
Jeg ønsker å høre din latter.

_lorentziantw86:_ You know, it's really unfair when you make me have to use Google Translate.  
You're weirdly...I don't know...tonight. It's everything okay?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Define 'okay'.

_lorentziantw86:_ I'm going to take that to mean it wasn't the best day.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Very astute observation, min vakre vitenskapskvinne. Dealing with my family is never a pleasant experience.

_lorentziantw86:_ I'm sorry to hear that.

**youweremadetoberuled:** It's of no consequence.

_lorentziantw86:_ Not to change the subject, but why do you call me that?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Call you what? My beautiful scientist?

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah, that. How do you know whether or not I'm beautiful?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Are you?

_lorentziantw86:_ I don't know. That's not the point. The point is that YOU haven't seen me. I could be really ugly.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Is beauty only skin deep for you, Lorent? For shame. But there is a more important point you're missing in your argument.

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah? What's that? (This ought to be good.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** The question you should be asking is not why I call you my beautiful scientist, but you aren't calling me your dashing businessman.

_lorentziantw86:_ And he's back! 😜  
There's the rascal I know and love.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😏 You love me? Interesting.

_lorentziantw86:_ Like an annoying older brother.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Incest has strangely become appealing.

_lorentziantw86:_ OMG. You did NOT just say that!

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😈

_lorentziantw86:_ You are the worst. Seriously. The. Worst.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Oh, yes. And yet I have the feeling that you're sniggering on the other end of the screen. Because you love me anyway.

_lorentziantw86:_ *groan* You're going to use that against me all the time, aren't you?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Of course. I never pass up advantageous opportunities. How do you love me? I'll let you count the ways.  
Well, go on. Don't be afraid to go into graphic detail.

_lorentziantw86:_ Du er sønnen av en morløs geit.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🤣  
Modige deg, jeg elsker deg også.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> min vakre vitenskapskvinne = my beautiful scientist  
Jeg ønsker å høre din latter. = I want to hear your laughter.  
Du er sønnen av en morløs geit. = You are the son of a motherless goat. (Jane's using Google Translate)  
Modige deg, jeg elsker deg også. = Fierce one, I love you too.


	7. Chapter 7

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187839167523/text-alert)

_lorentziantw86:_ Do you ever work with someone who is incredibly belligerent and every time you look at them, you secretly attempt to murder them with your mind?

**youweremadetoberuled:** I attempt to murder everyone with my mind. Belligerence has nothing to do with it.

_lorentziantw86:_ lol  
But seriously, have you ever wanted to literally strangle someone?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Outside of my family? Often. Business is not a profession full of kind-hearted souls.  
Your assistant giving you trouble?

_lorentziantw86:_ No. It's just someone who's... Nevermind. I don't want to talk about him anymore. I'll just get even more angry.  
Let's change the subject.

**youweremadetoberuled:** As you wish.  
You could tell me about your 'crush'. We never did finish that conversation.

_lorentziantw86:_ I think I have the sudden urge to literally strangle you, now.

**youweremadetoberuled:** That would require you to be in my presence, and I could think of many other activities you and I could do together that would be far more mutually beneficial.

_lorentziantw86:_ You know you could be unpredictable and NOT use innuendos in every reply.

**youweremadetoberuled:** And you could surprise me by using more of them.

_lorentziantw86:_ 🙄

**youweremadetoberuled:** No? Then I supposed we go on being predictable.  
Now tell me if this man who has ensnared your affections. I plan to take notes.

_lorentziantw86:_ Notes? Why?

**youweremadetoberuled:** He has succeeded where I have thus far failed.

_lorentziantw86:_ 😳  
Stop flirting. You're making me blush.

**youweremadetoberuled:** That's entirely the point.  
(You're still being evasive, woman.)

_lorentziantw86:_ You're really not going to let this go.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Not at all.

_lorentziantw86:_ I could just log off and never talk to you again.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🤨

_lorentziantw86:_ You don't think I could? I could do it.

**youweremadetoberuled:** You could, but you wouldn't.

_lorentziantw86:_ What makes you so sure?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Because you would never be so cruel as to leave me bereft of your scintillating conversation.  
And you love me.  
😉

_lorentziantw86:_ ONE time I make a comment out of hand and you latch on to it like a raccoon with a piece of tin foil.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😂  
That was certainly a colourful metaphor.

_lorentziantw86:_ Sometimes I'm witty. 😁

**youweremadetoberuled:** And still dissembling. 

_lorentziantw86:_ Gah! I hate you.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I'm devastated.

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah, I can just picture you weeping into a bowl of ice cream.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Mint chocolate chip.

_lorentziantw86:_ Are you this fun and aggravating in real life?

**youweremadetoberuled:** I have made repeated offers for you to discover for yourself--which you continuously ignore.

_lorentziantw86:_ Because I'm not THAT crazy. You could be a serial killer.

**youweremadetoberuled:** And you're letting that little fear hold you back? Don't you love me enough to overcome it? I'm positively heartbroken.

_lorentziantw86:_ No, you're not.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Hver dag vi er fra hverandre, dør jeg litt.

_lorentziantw86:_ That's completely unfair. You can't just switch over to another language like that!  
I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to look up the translation.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Det er helt greit. Jeg kan gjøre dette hele natten.

_lorentziantw86:_ Stop that, you jerk!

**youweremadetoberuled:** Jeg vedder på at du er nydelig når du er oppjaget. Jeg forestiller meg at kinnene dine er rosenrøde mens du kjefter på meg.

_lorentziantw86:_ OMG OKAY. I will look it up if it'll get you to stop.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😏

_lorentziantw86:_ 😳  
*sigh* You really take the cake, you know that?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Do I get to eat it, too?

_lorentziantw86:_ Stop. Just stop. You are not allowed to make me laugh when I'm trying to be mad at you.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I've never been very good at following rules.

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah, I kinda noticed.  
I really shouldn't like some stranger on the internet this much.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Don't be too hard on yourself. It was inevitable.  
I am quite dazzling.  
😉

_lorentziantw86:_ I think the descriptor you're looking for is "shameless."

**youweremadetoberuled:** What is it you Americans say? 'You say po-tay-to, I say po-tah-to'.

_lorentziantw86:_ Something like that.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Are you never going to tell me about him? The mysterious man (who is not me) who has you 'all hot and bothered'?

_lorentziantw86:_ Like a dog with a bone, you are.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Another animal metaphor, this time with the added bonus of Yoda's rather atrocious grammar.

_lorentziantw86:_ You know Star Wars?

**youweremadetoberuled:** I do live in the free world. It's impossible not to know it.  
Is your avoidance of the topic because you fear the moment you tell me about this man, you'll realize that he pales in comparison to another equally mysterious man you chat with daily?  
Your fear is valid. There are no men like me.

_lorentziantw86:_ Thank god. I don't think the world could handle more than one of you.

**youweremadetoberuled:** No, indeed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Hver dag vi er fra hverandre, dør jeg litt. = Every day we are apart, I die a little.  
Det er helt greit. Jeg kan gjøre dette hele natten. = That's all right. I can do this all night.  
Jeg vedder på at du er nydelig når du er oppjaget. Jeg forestiller meg at kinnene dine er rosenrøde mens du kjefter på meg. = I bet you’re beautiful when you’re flustered. I imagine your cheeks all rosy as you yell at me.


	8. Chapter 8

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187957911673/text-alert)

_lorentziantw86:_ It *is* illegal to kill people, right?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Good evening to you, too.

_lorentziantw86:_ Sorry for the abrupt greeting. I'm just feeling particularly murderous today. Don't mind me.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I find this side of you strangely appealing.

_lorentziantw86:_ How shocking. /sarcasm

**youweremadetoberuled:** Why loose your venom on me?

_lorentziantw86:_ 😲 Did you just quote The Princess Bride??

**youweremadetoberuled:** The Princess what?

_lorentziantw86:_ You know, the movie from the 80's. Princess Buttercup, the Dread Pirate Robert's. "You killed my father, prepare to die!"

**youweremadetoberuled:** None of this sounds familiar. 

_lorentziantw86:_ You're pulling my leg. There's no way that you don't know The Princess Bride! 

**youweremadetoberuled:** I am not 'pulling your leg', as you put it. Men det er mange andre ting jeg ønsker å gjøre med deg.

_lorentziantw86:_ Must. Not. Use. Google. Translate. (Because I know I'm going to totally regret it.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** I have every confidence that it will eat at you until you do. By then, I'll be offline and you'll have missed your chance at a comeback.

_lorentziantw86:_ Sometimes I really don't like you. 

**youweremadetoberuled:** I know. It must be tiring to converse with someone who's always right. 

_lorentziantw86:_ Ha! You wish.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Har du lyst til å vite hva jeg virkelig ønsker meg?

_lorentziantw86:_ Alright, what's it going to take to make you stop that?

**youweremadetoberuled:** I've so many ideas, I hardly know where to begin. 

_lorentziantw86:_ Behave, Mr. Corporate Tycoon. Or I'm cutting you off.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😂   
Apologies, milady. You seem to bring out the scoundrel in me. 

_lorentziantw86:_ I'm pretty sure you're not sorry at all, and I'm pretty sure the scoundrel in you comes out with no help from me.   
😝

**youweremadetoberuled:** Touché, min vakre vitenskapskvinne.   
Shall we return to a less controversial topic? Namely murder and who deserves such an untimely and violent demise?

_lorentziantw86:_ It doesn't have to be violent.

**youweremadetoberuled:** A mercy killing, is it then?

_lorentziantw86:_ It would be a mercy to me if he wasn't around.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Dare I hope we speak of the object of your secret affections?

_lorentziantw86:_ Unless we're taking about you, no. It's just a jerk I have to work with.

**youweremadetoberuled:** My dear Lorent, have you just confessed that you fancy me?

_lorentziantw86:_ Why am I not surprised that's what you got from this entire conversation?

**youweremadetoberuled:** And yet you haven't denied it. Telling, that.

_lorentziantw86:_ Gah! I liked you better when you were dating supermodels.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Who says I'm not? In fact, I could be on a date with one this very minute.

_lorentziantw86:_ OMG. Again?? You have got to stop that!

**youweremadetoberuled:** Stop what? Dating models? Or chatting with you whilst doing the former?

_lorentziantw86:_ Both!!   
I mean the second one.   
Because it doesn't matter to me who you date.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Not even in the slightest?

_lorentziantw86:_ Nope. You can date whoever you want.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Anyone at all? 

_lorentziantw86:_ Do whatever you want. It's your life.

**youweremadetoberuled:** In that case, since I have your blessing...   
Do you have plans on Friday night?

_lorentziantw86:_ 😝 Oh, ha ha.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I believe we established that I've your permission to date anyone I wish. And I wish to have dinner with you on Friday.

_lorentziantw86:_ Are you being serious?

**youweremadetoberuled:** As ever. 😉

_lorentziantw86:_ That's a non-answer. (I'm okay with that.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** Too much, too soon? Perhaps we ought to start small, like plotting revenge against your nemesis.

_lorentziantw86:_ lol   
As much as I'd like to off the guy, he's kind of a necessary evil.   
I'll just have to keep practicing murdering him with my mind.   
Thanks for the offer though. 😁

**youweremadetoberuled:** Of course. And should you change your mind, I'll be at the 21 Club in NYC on Friday. 8 pm. Inntil neste gang, elskling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Men det er mange andre ting jeg ønsker å gjøre med deg. = But there are many other things I'd want to do with you.   
Har du lyst til å vite hva jeg virkelig ønsker meg? = Would you like to know what I really want?   
min vakre vitenskapskvinne = my beautiful scientist  
Inntil neste gang, elskling. = Until next time, darling.


	9. Chapter 9

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187959976553/text-alert)

**youweremadetoberuled:** What are you wearing? 

_lorentziantw86:_ What?? 😯  
I mean, I know we do the harmless flirting thing from time to time, but I am so not game for sexting.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🤣   
Oh, Lorent. You are an endless source of entertainment.   
I'm asking what you'll be wearing on Friday.   
Jeg vil imidlertid gjerne også delta i denne aktiviteten.

_lorentziantw86:_ You know, just because you say it in Norwegian doesn't make it any less inappropriate.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Yes, but I have time to brace myself for your reaction whilst you look up the translation.   
And it does seem less crass in my native tongue, don't you agree?

_lorentziantw86:_ I don't have to agree to anything.

**youweremadetoberuled:** No, of course not.   
I like your fire. It does such wonderful things to me.

_lorentziantw86:_ OMG

**youweremadetoberuled:** As I said, far less crass in Norwegian.

_lorentziantw86:_ So you were just trying to make a point? 🤨

**youweremadetoberuled:** If you prefer. 

_lorentziantw86:_ *sigh* You're impossible.

**youweremadetoberuled:** And you're flattered.

_lorentziantw86:_ You're impossible AND arrogant.

**youweremadetoberuled:** And yet, you're still flattered.

_lorentziantw86:_ Gah!

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😇

_lorentziantw86:_ Oh no, you don't. You can't just use the angel icon and expect forgiveness.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😇

_lorentziantw86:_ Stop it.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😊

_lorentziantw86:_ 😠

**youweremadetoberuled:** Du lyser opp mine dager, min kjære Lorent.

_lorentziantw86:_ ☺️

**youweremadetoberuled:** I use my native tongue for both good and ill.

_lorentziantw86:_ More ill than good.

**youweremadetoberuled:** It's a matter of perspective.   
Det er helt greit for meg.

_lorentziantw86:_ Okay, no more Norwegian for the rest of this chat, or I'm logging out. Anything you want to say--good or ill--will be said in MY tongue. Got it?

**youweremadetoberuled:** So commanding, Lorent.   
I like it. 😁

_lorentziantw86:_ Of course you do. You like everything.

**youweremadetoberuled:** About you? Very much.   
And you like me. Quite a lovely symbiosis between the two of us -- one which I believe will be even better in person.

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah, well... I haven't decided if I'm coming. (And how did you know that I'm in New York?)

**youweremadetoberuled:** Why ever not? (I made an educated guess.)

_lorentziantw86:_ Besides the possibility of you being a serial killer?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Besides that.

_lorentziantw86:_ Or a rapist?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Or that.

_lorentziantw86:_ You kinda make me...nervous.   
I mean, what if I don't meet your expectations or what if you don't meet mine? What if we don't hit it off at all?   
And as incorrigible as you can be at times, I'm a little afraid of losing this. Because against all common sense, I *do* like you. I'm going to regret telling you this (because you'll totally use it against me), but I actually look forward to our daily chats about nothing important. And the anonymity makes it...safe.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Those are rather valid fears.   
However, I have every intention of meeting you. If not this Friday, then the next or the Friday after. If you meant to deter me with your speech, it didn't work. It had quite the opposite effect, in fact.   
Fordi det vi har nå, er ikke nok for meg lenger.   
(And you are right, I will use that confession against you. 😉)

_lorentziantw86:_ I thought I said no more Norwegian.   
(I know. Ugh.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** You did, elskling.   
Haven't you discovered by now that I do what I want?

_lorentziantw86:_ Another reason why you make me nervous.

**youweremadetoberuled:** You needn't fear me. I'm quite nice to those whom I like.

_lorentziantw86:_ And those you don't?

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😈

_lorentziantw86:_ That's really not reassuring at all. Seriously.

**youweremadetoberuled:** And you? Are you pleasant to all who cross your path -- including an aforementioned nemesis whose death you've already begun to plot?

_lorentziantw86:_ That's not fair. He's a complete asshole and he's constantly interfering with my work!

**youweremadetoberuled:** I take that as a no, then. You are not nice to those who have earned your wrath. We're not so different after all.   
I find myself curious about this enemy of yours.

_lorentziantw86:_ Trust me. He's not worth knowing.

**youweremadetoberuled:** You've only succeeded in making me infinitely more curious.

_lorentziantw86:_ Fiiiiiiine. What do you want to know about him?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Why is it you despise him so?

_lorentziantw86:_ Oh, I could go on all night about that. He's just... He's... Argh. I have to work with him because he has control of my funding. But instead of letting me do my work, he has to have his fingers in everything. And he thinks he knows better than me how I should do things which is rich because *I'm* the one with three degrees and YEARS of experience in this field. But instead of admitting that maybe MAYBE I know what I'm doing, he has to be a damn arrogant holier-than-thou know-it-all.   
That's about it in a nutshell.   
You still there or did I put you to sleep with my tirade?   
Hello?   
??

**youweremadetoberuled:** Sorry, it's just... an odd coincidence.

_lorentziantw86:_ Coincidence? Why, do you think you know this guy?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Good god, I sincerely hope not. That would be most inconvenient and disappointing.   
Nevermind that. You still haven't told me what you'll be wearing Friday.

_lorentziantw86:_ You really think we should o this?   
*do

**youweremadetoberuled:** I do. Very much so. Especially now.

_lorentziantw86:_ Why especially now?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Simply, I don't want to wait any longer.

_lorentziantw86:_ Okay.   
I mean, that's not a "yes," not yet. But I'll think about it, okay?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Think quickly. It's only two days from now. 😉

_lorentziantw86:_ No pressure or anything. 🤨

**youweremadetoberuled:** None whatsoever. 😁

_lorentziantw86:_ Thank you.

**youweremadetoberuled:** For?

_lorentziantw86:_ For listening to my fears about taking our friendship from online to real life.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Of course.

_lorentziantw86:_ And for letting me gripe about that jerk from work.   
(Did I lose you again?)   
(If you're on a date again, I will murder you.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** (Yes, I'm here. No, I'm not on a date.)   
Whatever it takes to get you to agree to meet me.

_lorentziantw86:_ 😝   
You're terrible.

**youweremadetoberuled:** And incredibly endearing.

_lorentziantw86:_ Yes, fine. You're tolerable.

**youweremadetoberuled:** More so than your nemesis, I hope.

_lorentziantw86:_ You guys aren't even on the same plane of likeability. He's floating in the void I like to call "YOU SHOULD TAKE A LONG WALK OFF A SHORT PIER" and you're orbiting the planet of "You're Alright Despite Your Relentless Flirting"

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😂 Despite my relentless flirting or because of it?

_lorentziantw86:_ The jury is still out.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I have every confidence they will rule in my favor.

_lorentziantw86:_ Ha! We'll see. In the meantime, IF I come on Friday, I'll be carrying a copy of The Evolution of Physics. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Jeg vil imidlertid gjerne også delta i denne aktiviteten. = However, I would also like to participate in this activity.  
Du lyser opp mine dager, min kjære Lorent. = You light up my days, my dear Lorent.  
Det er helt greit for meg. = It's all good for me.  
Fordi det vi har nå, er ikke nok for meg lenger. = Because what we have now is no longer enough for me.  
elskling = darling


	10. Chapter 10

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187961088163/text-alert)

_lorentziantw86:_ So, remember that guy I told you about yesterday?

**youweremadetoberuled:** The 'damn arrogant holier-than-thou know-it-all'?

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah, that one.

**youweremadetoberuled:** What of him?

_lorentziantw86:_ He was in the lab today to check on my work and he was acting weird.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Oh? How so?

_lorentziantw86:_ I don't know. Usually he's giving me a hard time about being inefficient and getting lost in "frivolous minutia"  
Oh, and he really hates it when I take apart expensive equipment to jury-rig something that will work better - which I did today.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Let me guess, he quite miraculously had no complaints.

_lorentziantw86:_ Exactly! It was weird. He was so distracted too. I don't think he heard half of what I was saying. Just stared at me. Super creepy.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Creepy, indeed.  
Tell me, all characters defects aside, do you find him attractive?

_lorentziantw86:_ What? OMG. You aren't seriously jealous of him now.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🤣  
I can assure you that my jealousy of him is as impossible as being jealous of myself.

_lorentziantw86:_ Okay, good.

**youweremadetoberuled:** You haven't answered my question.

_lorentziantw86:_ Because it's honestly hard to see past those character defects.

**youweremadetoberuled:** A pity for him. I'm curious, though. If he had, for instance, my sparkling personality, would you find him attractive then?

_lorentziantw86:_ You know, you're acting weird too.

**youweremadetoberuled:** According to you, I'm always odd.

_lorentziantw86:_ True. I can't argue with you there.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Ah, the sweet taste of victory. And for my reward, I demand that you humour me this one absurd question.

_lorentziantw86:_ Oh, we're *demanding* now, are we?

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🙏😊

_lorentziantw86:_ 🙄😝  
Fiiiiiiiiiiine. I hate how I can't stay mad at you.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I rely on it. Now more than ever.

_lorentziantw86:_ Well, don't take it for granted.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Never. 

_lorentziantw86:_ Suuuuure.  
*sigh* I guess I better answer this question. His looks with your personality, right?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Yes.

_lorentziantw86:_ I...guess. Yeah. I mean, he's actually a handsome guy when he doesn't speak.  
Though it's pretty hard to imagine all the flirty things you say coming out of his mouth. He's always so serious.  
You're fun. Him? Not so much.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I'm certain my business associates would not call me 'fun'.

_lorentziantw86:_ Fair point. --Wait, are you actually sticking up for him? What happened to helping me plan his demise?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Perhaps I'm attempting to be nice.

_lorentziantw86:_ Well, it's weird. Stop it.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Now who's impossible?

_lorentziantw86:_ Oh, whatever. 😝

**youweremadetoberuled:** Would you like to know how to thwart your nemesis?

_lorentziantw86:_ I'm all ears.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Kiss him.

_lorentziantw86:_ I'm sorry. I think I need glasses because it looks like you just typed "kiss him" and there's no way you'd say that.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Are you not familiar with the American military tactic called 'Shock and Awe'? Also known as 'Rapid Dominance'.

_lorentziantw86:_ I'm pretty sure I can achieve the same effect by punching him in the face.

**youweremadetoberuled:** As cathartic as that may feel, it wouldn't be entirely unexpected considering the adversarial nature of your interactions, yes?

_lorentziantw86:_ And a kiss would be entirely unexpected.

**youweremadetoberuled:** You did say he was handsome, after all.

_lorentziantw86:_ Okay, I've officially entered The Twilight Zone. You're telling me to kiss another guy. YOU. That's so not you.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Worried that my affections have moved on to other pastures?

_lorentziantw86:_ No!

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🤨

_lorentziantw86:_ Yes, okay. A little bit. Happy? (I swear this is weirder than the incest conversation.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** Du aner ikke hvor mye jeg vil kysse deg, og mer.  
Better now? 😉

_lorentziantw86:_ I walked right into that one, didn't I?

**youweremadetoberuled:** It's really quite endearing.

_lorentziantw86:_ You're craftier than I give you credit for. All this just to get me to admit that I kinda like the idea of you thinking about me that way.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Perhaps. Or perhaps I am extraordinarily curious to know what would happen if you did kiss him.

_lorentziantw86:_ Ha! Yeah, that's not happening.

**youweremadetoberuled:** No? Pity. Then I shall have to settle for you kissing me Friday night. Until tomorrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:
> 
> Du aner ikke hvor mye jeg vil kysse deg, og mer. = You have no idea how badly I want to kiss you and more.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last of what I'd originally written. I am continuing this story, though. I'm just deciding on the format. (If you've popped over to my tumblr to see the images I created, those templates--which I also created--are lost.)
> 
> All links in this chapter work!

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/187975573278/text-alert)

**youweremadetoberuled:** You haven't told me what you'll be wearing tonight. 

_lorentziantw86:_ I said that *if* I come, I'll be carrying a copy of The Evolution of Physics.

**youweremadetoberuled:** You'll come. You're too curious. You want to find out if I'm everything I seem to be online. Spoiler alert: I am and so much more.  
😉  
But you're coming with only a book? What a sensation you'll cause.

_lorentziantw86:_ Oh, har har. 😜  
I googled the 21 Club. There's a dress code apparently. I'll have to dig a dress out of the back of my closet.

**youweremadetoberuled:** As I said, you are coming.

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah, probably. But that doesn't mean that I'm not nervous.

**youweremadetoberuled:** There's no need. We're already quite familiar with one another.

_lorentziantw86:_ Do you ever get nervous? About anything?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Not usually, no.

_lorentziantw86:_ Must be nice. Of course, that could mean that you're a sociopath.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I have been accused of being one on several occasions.

_lorentziantw86:_ That's not exactly reassuring, you know.

**youweremadetoberuled:** All the more reason for you to come tonight and discover for yourself.

_lorentziantw86:_ 😝

**youweremadetoberuled:** If it will help ease your nerves, I've created a playlist for our impending encounter.

_lorentziantw86:_ A playlist? Seriously?

**youweremadetoberuled:** Oh, yes.  
The first song: <https://youtu.be/pTLnlkrCK8c>

_lorentziantw86:_ You're incorrigible.

**youweremadetoberuled:** We established that long ago.  
Next song: <https://youtu.be/yCpKQjqb8Y4>   
😉

_lorentziantw86:_ I'm sensing a theme.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Of course you are. You're my clever scientist.  
Another song for you. I find the lyrics of this one particularly compelling. <https://youtu.be/H9tEvfIsDyo>

_lorentziantw86:_ 😂

**youweremadetoberuled:** This one is rather poignant: <https://youtu.be/eA4_O3oeJCw>

_lorentziantw86:_ OMG, stop! I'm dying! And my assistant is giving me a funny look because of you.

**youweremadetoberuled:** My personal theme song: <https://youtu.be/GddAc6xr9J4>

_lorentziantw86:_ 🤣 I can't breathe. Please, no more.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😁  
Not quite as anxious about meeting me now, are you?

_lorentziantw86:_ I still am a little, but that did help, oddly enough.  
No one makes me laugh (and roll my eyes) like you do.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I have a gift.

_lorentziantw86:_ I'm sure you have several gifts. Modesty is apparently not one of them.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Another fact we established long ago.

_lorentziantw86:_ It's a good thing I like you, or else you'd really be getting in my nerves.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Indeed.  
Speaking of men who annoy you, how are you faring with your nemesis.

_lorentziantw86:_ He's still being weird. We usually fight about something whenever he comes in to check up on his "investment," but when he stopped by this morning, he was actually kind of civil.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Did you kiss him?

_lorentziantw86:_ OMG, NO!  
I'm so punching you in the arm for that one when we meet tonight.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Will you kiss it better afterward?

_lorentziantw86:_ You wish. 

**youweremadetoberuled:** Every day. 🙏😊

_lorentziantw86:_ And you can keep wishing.

**youweremadetoberuled:** As my lady commands.  
Jeg fortsetter å ønske meg andre ting også.

_lorentziantw86:_ I'm not touching that.  
Are you going to randomly break out in Norwegian tonight, too?

**youweremadetoberuled:** My native tongue is quite mellifluous. Text doesn't do it justice.

_lorentziantw86:_ But I won't have access to Google.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Fortvil ikke, kjære. Jeg kommer til å hviske oversettelsene i ørene dine.

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah, I'm sure you will. 😜

**youweremadetoberuled:** Oh, yes. 😉

_lorentziantw86:_ Ugh. 

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🤔 Have I offended?

_lorentziantw86:_ Ha! You're cute. (Like you actually care if you're being offensive.) No, it's not you. It's him. He's back.

**youweremadetoberuled:** (You know me so well.)  
By 'him', I assume you mean your favorite foe.

_lorentziantw86:_ Yep, I don't know what he wants now, though. He's taken a seat nearby and texting on his phone or whatever.  
I shouldn't be chatting with you while the overlord is here.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Why ever not? Certainly the danger of being caught out makes this all the more thrilling.  
(I doubt you'll lose your funding over a casual chat with a friend.)

_lorentziantw86:_ You, sir, are a bad influence.  
(You don't know this guy. He might just pull the plug out of spite.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** I shall take that as high praise.  
(You may be surprised.)

_lorentziantw86:_ Dear god, he is laughing. *Laughing*  
I've never seen him smile before, let alone laugh. It's...weird.  
I guess he's human, after all.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I'm sure he would have smiled if you had kissed him as I advised.

_lorentziantw86:_ 😠  
Du er forferdelig.

**youweremadetoberuled:** Mm, I rather like that. Jeg liker å tenke på at du bruker tungen din på mitt språk.

_lorentziantw86:_ And the King of Innuendos strikes again.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😇 I assure you I was being quite literal.

_lorentziantw86:_ Liar.

**youweremadetoberuled:** True.  
In my defence, I can't be blamed for taking the opening you so graciously left for me.

_lorentziantw86:_ Oh, I'm blaming you, mister.  
(Off topic: he's laughing again. He's, like, happy. And it's distracting.)

**youweremadetoberuled:** He's behaving civilly and 'human', and yet you're complaining? I'm beginning to believe that you secretly enjoy arguing with him.

_lorentziantw86:_ I do not!

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🤨

_lorentziantw86:_ You can raise your eyebrow at me all you want, but I do NOT like fighting with him.

**youweremadetoberuled:** And now who's being less than honest?

_lorentziantw86:_ Okay, I'll admit that I like *winning* fights with him, but he starts them.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 🤨

_lorentziantw86:_ Stop using that face against me, or I won't show up tonight.

**youweremadetoberuled:** I'm positively quaking with fear.

_lorentziantw86:_ You should be.  
(And now he's smirking at his phone. He actually snorted. Who is he even taking to?)

**youweremadetoberuled:** I should be jealous that he's commanding so much of your attention by proximity alone, but I have a feeling that I will prove to be a rather formidable distraction, myself.

_lorentziantw86:_ Yeah, an ego that size will definitely be distracting.

**youweremadetoberuled:** 😂  
On that note, I shall leave you to your work. Don't be late tonight, min vakre vitenskapskvinne.

_lorentziantw86:_ (Oh, god. We're really doing this.) See you later--for real. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Jeg fortsetter å ønske meg andre ting også. = I will keep wanting other things too.  
Fortvil ikke, kjære. Jeg kommer til å hviske oversettelsene i ørene dine. = Do not despair, dear. I'm going whisper the translations in your ears.  
Du er forferdelig. = You're terrible  
Jeg liker å tenke på at du bruker tungen din på mitt språk. = I like to think of you using your tongue on my language.  
min vakre vitenskapskvinne = my beautiful scientist
> 
> Loki's playlist:
> 
> Kiss Me - Sixpence None The Richer  
The Shoop Shoop Song (It's In His Kiss) - Cher  
Kiss - Prince  
Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye  
I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred


	12. The Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane finally meets youweremadetoberuled in person!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a few of you rightly expressed disappointment that we didn't get to see the meeting between Jane and Loki. **Kahula Dragon** suggested a live tweet of the encounter, and I jumped on that brilliant idea! (Thank you!!)
> 
> Formatting is a bit unwieldy for tweets here. I tried my best! You can always click on the link below to see the screenshots of the fictional live tweets on Tumblr.

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/189501171548/text-alert)

_ **Twitter Thread by Suzy Eats Lemons** _

**7:48 PM:** At the @21club w/the father figure & guyzzz there's a hot af dude here sitting alone. Thank you sir for the visual stimulation. #yummy

**7:48 PM:** I wanna take a picture so bad rn but I don't wanna be like the girls who ruined target boy's life. Just take my word.

**7:49 PM:** Okaaaay, ONE picture w/o face. Imma call him 3-piece. He looks like a sexy villain from some mind-twisting thriller. #badboy

[ ](https://imgur.com/C4RV6oM)

**7:54 PM:** 3-piece is def waiting for someone. He's either checking the phone or the front door. Who is it? Date? Family? Friend? Meeting w/his arch nemesis? #ivotenemesis

**8:01 PM:** The "someone" has arrived! THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE!! It's a gorgeous petite lady. She hasn't seen him yet, but 3-piece stood up w/a grin like he's gonna eat her up. #itsadate #jealous

**8:01 PM:** OH. MY. DAMN. Apparently Tiny Lady was NOT expecting 3-piece. Blind date gone wrong? They know each other?? TL's eyes pop outta her head "What are YOU doing here?!"

**8:02 PM:**

  * 3P: I think you know. 
  * TL: No! It can't be YOU!!
  * 3P: I'm afraid so, (something in Swedish? Dutch? IDK - he sounds f-ing British)
  * TL: You're lying! You have to be! (My girl's gone pale. What'd he do??)

**8:02 PM:** 3P's pulling out a chair for TL (who is in srs shock). "Sit down. Let's discuss this like the adults we are." Pretty sure that was the wrong thing to say. TL is looking stabby. #itsnemeses #badblinddate

**8:02 PM:** TL folds her arms & glares at 3P like she got death rays shooting out her eyes. "You hacked my account, you bastard. You're. Not. Him." OMFG Did he?? #reallifesoapopera #reversecatfishing (BC he's hot)

**8:03 PM:** 3P laughs softly & steps up to her. Damn he's TALL & she's so teeny. The way he says her name makes MY knees weak. The boy is THIRSTY for my girl. #fansself #badboylovesgoodgirl

**8:03 PM:** 3P says something to her in that other language. OMG he is touching her face, then: "You know it's me. It's always been me." We are living in an f-ing romance novel now, people. Everyone's holding their breath.

**8:03 PM:** TL is having none of his romantic sh*t. SHE PICKED UP A GLASS OF WATER & THREW IT IN HIS FACE. "Go to hell." Damn, girl! She stalked off like a freaking QUEEN. #myliegelady #wearthatcrown

**8:04 PM:** 3P wiped his face w/a napkin & said, "Oh, darling. This is far from over." He left a $100 bill on the table and walked out. Daaaamn. I don't know if I should be rooting for him but I'm rooting for him based on that generous tip alone. #goodtippersaresexy #gogetthegirl

**8:05 PM:** *sigh* Back to my monthly check-in with father figure over grad school. #reallifesucks #yawnfest #willbedreamingabout3PandTL


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've found a template! The tale continues!

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/189411668208/text-alert)

**Loki:** Jane  
Jane  
I do hope you haven't blocked my number. I am in charge of your funding, after all.   
Jane, please let's not be juvenile about this. 

_Jane:_ JUVENILE?!!

**Loki:** Ah, there you are.   
We need to talk. 

_Jane:_ I think I made myself pretty clear already, thanks.

**Loki:** Mm, yes. A glass of cold water poured over my head was hard to ignore. However, it resolved precisely nothing.

_Jane:_ Speak for yourself. It felt pretty damn cathartic to me.

**Loki:** 😂  
Yes. I imagine it did.

_Jane:_ I'm SO glad I'm making you laugh. I assume that's been the point all along? Some little game where you screw with people beneath you because you're rich and bored?  
You did a great job, btw. Really had me fooled.

**Loki:** Oh, yes. I do it all the time. I draw names out of a hat and then spend months catfishing my unsuspecting victims online - all so I can laugh at them when we finally meet.  
Because I've nothing better to do like - oh, I don't know - run a billion-dollar venture capital firm.

_Jane:_ You KNEW it was me. You sat next to me this afternoon, laughing at me while we were chatting online because I had no idea!

**Loki:** I've known for three entire days, yes.

_Jane:_ OMG. You told me to kiss you.

**Loki:** More than once, I recall. If you had, we might have avoided this debacle.

_Jane:_ Are you serious??  
This is MY fault?? 

**Loki:** Your willful ignorance is breathtaking.

_Jane:_ That. THAT is what I'm talking about. That's the real you. Not that endearing rascal you pretended to be online.

**Loki:** What do you suppose my end game was in all this? Pray, do tell.  
All these months of developing a rapport simply to laugh at you? And why you, I wonder. A relatively unkown scientist in a fringe field.  
The return on that investment seems rather paltry at best.

_Jane:_ I don't know.   
Maybe it's so you can get off on being cruel without it hurting your rep. I'm a nobody, so who's gonna believe me when I try to tell people about this freaky catfishing fetish you have, even though you could probably have any woman you want.

**Loki:** Or perhaps I did enter a chat room for Harvard alumni one night in a fit of boredom. Perhaps I came across a funny, intelligent scientist who didn't want us to swap personal details. Perhaps chatting with her became the highlight of my days.  
Perhaps I was gobsmacked to learn that she was the same obstinate scientist who takes my money but bristles over accountability for that funding.

_Jane:_ Pretty words, Mr. Corporate Tycoon. You know I can't believe any of them.

**Loki:** Kiss me and find out whether or not they're true. I guarantee it will put this issue to rest.  
In fact, I'm calling a meeting tomorrow morning at 10 am in the lab. Your assistant needn't attend.

_Jane:_ You can't do that.

**Loki:** Why ever not? 

_Jane:_ It's harassment.

**Loki:** We're to discuss your budget for the next quarter.

_Jane:_ Blackmail. 

**Loki:** If I were not the consummate professional, wouldn't there be a trail of scandals in my wake? By all means, Google me if you haven't already.

_Jane:_ Like you don't have some kind of "fixer" on speed dial.

**Loki:** I'm sending over an updated contract now. Please review it before tomorrow and be prepared to sign it.

_Jane:_ Wait, what? Why? And before you answer, just know that I've saved all of our chats.

**Loki:** Save your threats until you've read the updated terms. Until tomorrow, Miss Foster. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki gets very little sleep thanks to a certain scientist. (Unfortunately not in the way he would prefer.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been terribly inspired for this story lately, so we're going to run with it until either my muse clams up or I finish this story! Thank you to all of you for coming on this crack!fic ride with me!

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/189522373423/text-alert)

**SATURDAY 3:22 AM**

_Jane:_ What is this?  
There's going to be a third party to "audit and oversee the distribution of said funding"? Why?

**Loki**: You do realize it's currently three in the morning. By your definition, it's not 'early' yet.

_Jane:_ Why are you bringing in a third party?

**Loki:** If you'll read the terms more thoroughly, you'll find that it is a third party that you and I both agree on.  
I can offer you a list of potential firms not affiliated with myself or Lausnir Capital, but not at this hour.

_Jane:_ Why are *we* bringing in a third party?

**Loki:** To keep our business interactions above board, so to speak.  
To remove any hint of favouritism or its opposite.  
To separate the transactional from the personal.  
Have I sufficiently answered your burning questions? Do I have your leave to sleep now?

_Jane:_ You think I'm going to sue you over the catfishing.

**Loki:** Yes. That's it. Well done, you. I'm positively quaking over the thought of facing you in court - even with my retinue of attorneys. Not to mention this nebulous 'fixer' I apparently have on retainer.

_Jane:_ Wow.  
I don't even know how to respond to that.

**Loki:** Take it as it was intended. A bit of sarcasm from a poor sleep-deprived soul.

_Jane:_ Well sorry for worrying over these updated terms over MY livelihood.

**Loki:** And there is the answer you're so desperately seeking at this ungodly hour.  
These updated terms are to protect YOUR livelihood.  
Ponder on that while I go back to sleep.

**SATURDAY 4:09 AM**

_Jane:_ Does this mean that you're no longer going to be directly involved with my lab?  
You're not going to personally show up anymore? I'm not going to have meetings with you anymore?

**Loki:** Good God, woman! I was asleep for all of twenty minutes.

_Jane:_ It's "early" now.  
😉

**Loki:** As you might recall, we have a meeting in mere hours where all of these questions can be answered to your satisfaction.

_Jane:_ I know.

**Loki:** Oh, good.

_Jane:_ I'm not going to be able to sleep until I have answers, though.

**Loki:** Of course not. How silly of me to think you could. My apologies.

_Jane:_ You are so grumpy in the morning.

**Loki:** Only shift workers and fitness addicts would call this 'morning'.

_Jane:_ And astrophysicists.

**Loki:** Touche.  
Ask your questions.

_Jane:_ Are you no longer going to be personally involved with my work?

**Loki:** Worried that you'll never see me again?

_Jane:_ Hoping for it, actually.

**Loki:** 🤨

_Jane:_ Just answer the question.  
Please.

**Loki:** I'm not going anywhere.  
Though after today, the aforementioned third party will be present during our business meetings.

_Jane:_ And the random drop-ins at the lab?

**Loki:** I'm not going anywhere.

_Jane:_ You said that already.

**Loki:** Indeed.  
The meaning is fairly obvious, wouldn't you agree?

**SATURDAY 4:57 AM**

_Jane:_ Was it real?  
youweremadetoberuled - was everything he said real?

**Loki:** Yes.

**SATURDAY 5:13 AM**

_Jane:_ Did you really only find out it was me three days ago?

**Loki:** Do you really want to have this conversation via text before the sun rises?

_Jane:_ Why didn't you just tell me when you found out?

**Loki:** How, precisely, should I have gone about revealing that you've been flirting online with the very 'damn holier-than-thou know-it-all' that you despise so vehemently without you feeling a sense of abject betrayal?

_Jane:_ Lying to me for three days certainly didn't help!

**Loki:** I didn't lie.

_Jane:_ You lied by omission. I had a right to know.

**Loki:** You were the one who didn't want us to share personal details.

_Jane:_ Don't hide behind that. We were going to meet. That's personal! The "nothing personal" rule was clearly revoked!

**Loki:** Tell me you wouldn't have felt as deceived if I had immediately admitted I was the man you call your arch enemy, and I will concede the point to you.

_Jane:_ I don't know, okay? You didn't give me a chance to find out.

**Loki:** Just as you didn't give me a chance to explain myself last night at dinner.

_Jane:_ That's not fair.

**Loki:** Not many things in life are, dear Lorent.  
This is getting us nowhere.

_Jane:_ You're right. I think the discussion is over.

**Loki:** I agree. For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Progress. Just a smidgen, but progress nonetheless.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Darcy is all of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still feeling inspiration, so I'm still running with it!

[SCREEN SHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/189586955863/text-alert-part-15)

**SATURDAY AT 12:38 PM**

**DARCY:** Okay. I can't wait anymore. How did your date with Sexy Online Mystery Man go last night? Was he hot? Was he exceptional in bed?? Inquiring minds want to know!!

_JANE:_ Exceptional in bed? Have you been reading my messages again?

**DARCY:** Yes.  
To be fair, it's hard not to look when you totally leave the chat open on your computer. Like ALL the time, dude.  
I mean, except when Hot Moneybags comes to visit.  
Then we all pretend like we're actually productive people or something.

_JANE:_ Pretend??

**DARCY:** Okay, YOU don't pretend. Everyone knows that you burn the midnight candle oil at both ends. Whatever.  
But we're getting off topic. The date. Spill, boss lady. Every juicy bit.

_JANE:_ I don't really want to talk about it.

**DARCY:** Oh SNAP! Were you catfished?!  
Because I totally know a guy. We can so dox the dude. Or was it a chick? Just give me the deets and we'll take this fake dude down.

_JANE:_ No. We're not going to do anything.

**DARCY:** But we gotta protect other women from this faker. Sisters stand together!

_JANE:_ I don't think this guy is that kind of predator. It's just...he's not who I thought he was.  
And I don't want to talk about it anymore. So drop it.

**DARCY:** But... Jaaaaaaaaane!

_JANE:_ Please, for once, let it go.

**DARCY:** 😥  
Okay, mom.  
New topic: What's up with you and Hot Moneybags?

_JANE:_ Me and Mr. Laufeyson? What are you talking about? There isn't anything up between us.  
It's business as usual.

**DARCY:** Ummmm... Business as usual between you guys is a verbal battle so epic I always wish I had a bucket of popcorn handy. Because it's freaking awesome!

_JANE:_ Uh, thanks?

**DARCY:** But you guys didn't fight the last couple of times he visited. He was weirdly chill. And today...

_JANE:_ Today? What do you mean "today"?

**DARCY:** So I, like, left my ear buds at the lab yesterday and riding the subway without music is the worst. OMG there was this dude reciting really bad poetry today. So. Bad.

_JANE:_ Darcy...

**DARCY:** Okay, okay. I'll tell you about the bad poetry later.  
Anyway, when I got to the lab you were both there having some kind of meeting. It was so intense just like your fights but without the, uh, fighting.  
Like UST tense.

_JANE:_ UST?

**DARCY:** Unresolved Sexual Tension. How are you online and not know this?  
Before, I thought you guys would kill each other eventually. But now I'm thinking a little bow-chicka-bow-wow might be on the horizon.

_JANE:_ OMG!

**DARCY:** I'm serious, though.

_JANE:_ You're wrong.

**DARCY:** I kinda think I'm not. I maybe heard a little bit of your conversation.  
I'm really sorry. I promise I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but I have insanely good hearing. It's a curse.

_JANE:_ What, exactly, did you hear?

**DARCY:** He said something about you knowing who he really is. And you were like, "I don't know what's true. I don't know if I can trust you." Then he was like, "I'm *him*." But then you said you couldn't do this and slapped some papers against his chest and he said, "You can't run from this, Jane."  
And then I got the hell out of there because that was definitely NOT a business thing.  
So are you? Like a non-business thing? Did you two have some kind of hate hook-up that you didn't tell me about?

_JANE:_ He left right after that. Nothing happened, okay?

**DARCY:** Better check your pants, boss lady. I'm pretty sure they're on fire.

_JANE:_ OMG you're not going to let this go.

**DARCY:** Nope. Better to just spill right now. Just let it all out like ripping off a band-aid.  
Who else are you going to talk to?

_JANE:_ *groan* Okay, fine. But this stays between you and me. You can't even tell your pseudo boyfriend, Ian.

**DARCY:** I am an uncrackable safe.

_JANE:_ The guy online that I've been talking to. It's Loki.

**DARCY:** WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!

_JANE:_ Yeah. He says he only found out it was me 3 - no, 4 days ago now.  
I don't know if I believe him, though.

**DARCY:** Wait, wait, wait. You're saying that the guy online is *actually* the handsome successful businessman he claimed to be. And you're not in his bed right now??

_JANE:_ You know it's not that simple.

**DARCY:** But you were crazy about the online guy. You really think he was being totally fake the whole time?

_JANE:_ Yes? No? I don't know.  
Loki is such a jerk. How can he be that other guy?

**DARCY:** So, don't fire me but it's not like you haven't been a jerk yourself. At least to him.

_JANE:_ Ouch. I thought you were on my side.

**DARCY:** Hey, man, I'm on the side of love and happy endings. *shrug*  
Just bone him already.

_JANE:_ OMG we're done talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Loki in this one, but he'll be in the next one.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The laying down of weapons has commenced.

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/189623778058/text-alert-part-16)

**Wednesday 13:31**

_Jane:_ You're awfully "gone" for someone who "isn't going anywhere."

**Loki:** Oh, dear. Could it be that you *miss* me?  
😮

_Jane:_ Please. I'm just wondering how long of a break I get from you arguing over data and messing with my lab. 

**Loki:** I see. But no break needed from my scintillating conversation?

_Jane:_ Don't. I'm not ready for that - the flirting. 

**Loki:** I would never. I'm terribly serious about this completely professional discussion. 

_Jane:_ Stop it. Just stop. I'm still mad at you. I don't want you to make me laugh. 

**Loki:** That's not quite true, is it? You do miss this, only you wish you didn't know it was me on the other side of the screen. 

_Jane:_ I… Yes? I guess. I miss my friend - maybe even my best friend. I miss not knowing. I miss laughing and banter every day. I miss grinning like an idiot when there's a message from him. I miss having to use Google Translate, even.   
I miss you being nothing more than a two-dimensional necessary evil in my life.  
Everything is messed up now. 

**Loki:** Is it, though?  
Tell me, why do you insist on labelling things - particularly me - as either black or white?

_Jane:_ Things need to be quantified and categorized. It's how I make sense of the world. 

**Loki:** Quantified and categorised into false dichotomies? Come now, you've several degrees. You're beyond the primary school notion that everything fits neatly into a single box or another.   
I am the so-called 'heartless' businessman, but I'm also the endearingly unrepentant scoundrel who makes you smile and laugh and blush.   
And you? You're the obstinate scientist who drives me absolutely mad with frustration as well as the charming and feisty woman who drives me to distraction in the very best ways. 

_Jane:_ Logically, I understand what you're saying. 

**Loki:** And yet? 

_Jane:_ I don't feel logical. I can't take emotion out of this when emotions have been at the center of everything with you. Both sides of you.   
I can't stand you. I adore him - *you*. I don't know how to make the two extremes coexist. 

**Loki:** Perhaps I ought to be cold-hearted in text and debonair in person. Just to really shake things up. 

_Jane:_ OMG I said I didn't want you to make me laugh! It makes this worse. 

**Loki:** I hear your demand, and respectfully, I must decline. 

_Jane:_ Why am I not surprised?   
How do you do it? How do you reconcile the scientist you find aggravating with the anonymous gal you've been chatting with online?

**Loki:** I find my brother to be horribly exasperating, and yet, under the right circumstances, I would give my life for him. Two opposing ideas can exist in one space without cancelling one another out.

_Jane:_ But that's family.  
You shouldn't feel that way about a romantic partner! 

**Loki:** Why not?   
You think partners don't ever irritate one another? That it's happiness all the time? How dull.   
(I quite like that you've referred to me as a romantic partner.)

_Jane:_ It's really that easy for you?   
(That's not what I meant, and you know it.)

**Loki:** Do I, though?  
To answer your question: yes, it is truly that simple for me. There is a crucial variable that you're missing in this relationship equation you've conjured up. 

_Jane:_ What?

**Loki:** I've never hated you.

_Jane:_ Are you sure? It definitely seemed like you did every time you came to the lab. 

**Loki:** Every time? 

_Jane:_ Well, okay. Except for the last few visits.  
But what about the rest of the time?

**Loki:** Frustration doesn't necessarily equal hatred.  
Besides, didn't you recently confess to youweremadetoberuled that you enjoy arguing with me?

_Jane:_ YOU said that. Not me.

**Loki:** I do seem to recall reading the words 'I like *winning* fights with him'. 

_Jane:_ Did you literally copy and paste that from our last chat before we met? 

**Loki:** Of course. If we're to match wits, I'm going to use every weapon at my disposal. 

_Jane:_ Why is everything a battle with you? 

**Loki:** Darling, the real question is why everything is a battle with *you*?

_Jane:_ Are you serious??

**Loki:** When you're so inclined, ask yourself if I'm truly the only culpable party in our clashes.

_Jane:_ Okay, okay. That's fair.   
Don't you dare gloat. 

**Loki:** Never. 

_Jane:_ Liar.

**Loki:** Jeg savner deg også, min vakre vitenskapskvinne.   
As much I've enjoyed this less combative tête-à-tête, it's getting quite late here and I've a meeting in the morning. 

_Jane:_ Oh, where are you? 

**Loki:** Dubai. Perhaps next time, I'll bring you along. This trip has been rather boring until now.   
Goodnight, dear Lorent. 

_Jane:_ Bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:
> 
> Jeg savner deg også, min vakre vitenskapskvinne. = I miss you too, my beautiful scientist.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jane drunk-texts Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** Note that Jane is inebriated, therefore all typos are on purpose. :D Massive apologies to anyone using a text-to-speech reader!

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/189884178608/text-alert-part-17)

**Saturday** **01:47**

_Jane:_ I don't want to talk to you

**Loki:** 🤨  
I'm certain you could have avoided that by not texting in the first place.

_Jane:_ I want to talk to him  
I want to talk to my friend  
Mr corporate rycoin  
Tycoon

**Loki:** Jane? Are you all right? It occurs to me that the hour is quite late in NYC.

_Jane:_ I'm fiiine  
Darcy made me take a shot every time I talked about him  
You too  
I think I talked about you aloooot

**Loki:** Ah, I see.  
Tell me, precisely how many shots have you had?

_Jane:_ Don't laugh at me

**Loki:** Never.

_Jane:_ It's not funny

**Loki:** Of course not.

_Jane:_ It's not

**Loki:** I'm being terribly serious over here.

_Jane:_ Are you him ywt

**Loki:** I'm always him, darling.

_Jane:_ Liar liieeeessddd

**Loki:** Sometimes, yes.  
Why do you want to talk to your 'friend'?

_Jane:_ Are. You. Him. Now

**Loki:** I am, in fact. This very moment, you're speaking with your favorite dashing businessman.

_Jane:_ Private  
Prove it

**Loki:** And how shall I do that, min vakre vitenskapskvinne?

_Jane:_ Okay. Good enough. No more norwegiwn  
I can't translate right now  
And il log off if you do it

**Loki:** Log off a text message?

_Jane:_ I'm seeious

**Loki:** I believe you.  
Alas, I will grant you this boon - if you will grant me one in return.

_Jane:_ whT  
what

**Loki:** Have you had any food?

_Jane:_ Yewss  
I'm not an idiot

**Loki:** And are you still drinking?

_Jane:_ No dad I'm home now happy?  
Can I talk to the nice friend now?  
No not nice  
The rascal I like

**Loki:** What would you like to say to him?

_Jane:_ I forfot  
Hold on I'm thinking

**Loki:** I await your inebriated words with bated breath.

_Jane:_ We're uou sad I'm me?  
I'm just a boring scirnjtist  
I'm boring with a boring lice  
Life

**Loki:** If I've deciphered all that correctly, you're worried I'm disappointed that my intelligent, captivating online chat companion turned out to be you?

_Jane:_ That's what I saizd  
Are you?  
I don't travel the world like you  
I'm not s tll sexy supermodwl

**Loki:** Supermodels are boring. Boring isn't sexy. You, darling, are anything but boring.

_Jane:_ I'm short and weird d

**Loki:** What of it? I'm tall and menacing.  
And I very much like you.

_Jane:_ Whyyyy

**Loki:** So many reasons. Ask me again when you're sober and feeling brave.

_Jane:_ I think I wiukd have kissed you  
At the date  
If you weren't the other guy too

**Loki:** Pity, that.  
But not an insurmountable obstacle, surely.

_Jane:_ I really don't like fighting with you  
You suad I do but I don't

**Loki:** What do you like, then?

_Jane:_ I don't know?  
I like science  
It's my favorite

**Loki:** I quite like your science as well.

_Jane:_ Heyyyy wait. Is that innuendo?  
None of that mister mister  
You promised

**Loki:** I did not. I agreed not to flirt in my native tongue. English, on the other hand, is entirely allowed.

_Jane:_ That's my rascal

**Loki:** Indeed I am.

_Jane:_ DRcy made me go out

**Loki:** Oh?

_Jane:_ She aid if I wasn't going to jump your bones then I need to get you out of my system  
But I don't want to.  
The guys are gross  
I felt a little prettfty though. Darcy aftered me.

**Loki:** Aftered?

_Jane:_ Like before and after makeovers  
  
She took that. I'm supposed to send it to you to mKsn you eat your heart out  
I'm too tired goodnight rascal

**Loki:** Sleep well, min vakre vitenskapskinne.  
A message for after you've survived your impending hangover tomorrow: I have no intention of ever getting out of your system. That's a promise you can count on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:
> 
> min vakre vitenskapskinne: my beautiful scientist


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Darcy is not the friend Jane wants, but the friend she needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** Yes, another chapter free of Loki. My deepest apologies. He'll be in the next one! But Jane needed some common sense, even if it comes in the form of a sarcastic Darcy Lewis. :P

[SCREEN SHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/189970526338/text-alert-part-18)

_JANE:_ OMG OMG OMG OMG  
WHY DID YOU LET ME DRINK SO MUCH??!

**DARCY:** I'm surprised you're yelling considering the killer hangover you probably have.  
I've got the best cure. It got me through finals last semester when I had an exam after the Alpha Sigma Phi rager.  
Do you have pickle juice and coconut water handy?

_JANE:_ I don't need a hangover cure!

**DARCY:** Really? Wow. I mean, you're like really tiny, and you had a LOT of shots. Dude, that's awesome that you don't get hangovers. We should definitely make use of that superpower!

_JANE:_ NO!  
Yes  
I have a hangover and I blame you.  
But what I'm talking about is this:  


**DARCY:** OMG You drunk texted Sexy Billionaire Boss??

_JANE:_ He's not the boss!

**DARCY:** Oh, sorry. I guess I got confused since hE'S IN CHARGE OF ALL OF OUR FUNDING, but yeah, not the boss. Whatever.  
Did you send him nudes?

_JANE:_ DARCY!

**DARCY:** Listen, man, I'm just trying to assess the damage. Did you send him pictures of your no-no parts?

_JANE:_ OMG I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this. NO. I. DID. NOT.

**DARCY:** Did you tell him how you'd like to diddle with his daddle in detail?

_JANE:_ Are you kidding me?? No. NO!

**DARCY:** Okay, then what did you say?

_JANE:_ Aside from looking like an idiot? I told him that I didn't want to get him out of my system, and that I would have kissed him when we met at 21 club if he hadn't been, well, him.

**DARCY:** Jane Foster drunk flirted with a hot, rich bachelor in a totally sweet cheesy-Hallmark-movie way?? WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?? WE COULD LOSE EVERYTHING!!

_JANE:_ Having fun?

**DARCY:** Well, duh. You're blowing this way out of proportion.

_JANE:_ And what about this?  


**DARCY:** Day-um, I really did a kick-ass job of making you over!

_JANE:_ Look at the last message.  
Look. At. It.

**DARCY:** I'm not seeing a problem.  
This looks like a win to me?  
You did tell him that you didn't want to get him out of your system, right?

_JANE:_ Yes, DRUNK me!  
I don't know how I actually feel about all of this.  
Right now I want to fall into a supermassive black hole until this blows over.

**DARCY:** Yeeaah, I don't think this is going to blow over.  
I'm guessing that sexy billionaire bosses don't become sexy billionaire bosses by NOT going after what they want. Just saying.

_JANE:_ Ugh.

**DARCY:** For real, what's the problem? You like him. He likes you.  
Get your bow-chica-bow-wow on already.

_JANE:_ It's a miracle I haven't fired you yet.

**DARCY:** You even sound like him. Besides, it wasn't like anyone else wanted the job. I'm feeling super secure.

_JANE:_ ...

**DARCY:** But let's keep on topic: why don't you just go for it with Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Dreamy?

_JANE:_ It's not that simple.

**DARCY:** It totally is.

_JANE:_ I just... It's a distraction I don't need right now. I've got too much going on at the lab.

**DARCY:** I'm calling bull.  
You were so making time for him before you knew your online boyfriend was Loki "My Cultured British Exterior Hides a Yummy Bad Boy Side" Laufeyson.  
If it was another steamy moneybags who showed up at 21 Club, you totally would have made time for regular games of tonsil hockey and strip poker.

_JANE:_ But he wouldn't be in charge of our funding. It wouldn't be complicated.

**DARCY:** You're afraid if you don't rock his world he's gonna back out of funding? Yeah, okay. That is a pickle

_JANE:_ We don't have to worry about that.

**DARCY:** Because you're not ever going to pound town with him?

_JANE:_ Just how many euphemisms for sex do you have??

**DARCY:** Dude, you have no idea.  
Stop changing the subject.

_JANE:_ He changed the contract.  
So we could date without it impacting my funding.

**DARCY:** Wait, so you literally have nothing to lose in letting yourself be wined and dined by Hot Moneybags?

_JANE:_ Ugh. I don't like you.

**DARCY:** You're welcome.  
Do you remember the first time he came to the lab?

_JANE:_ When he tore apart all of my methods?

**DARCY:** And then you made him prove that he really was the big man on top and not a secret spy. LMAO  
But before all that. When he smiled at you and you legit blushed.

_JANE:_ Your point?

**DARCY:** You were attracted to him right away. You fell for him online. Why fight it?

_JANE:_ Honestly? I don't know anymore.

**DARCY:** There you go. Make cute science babies with him.

_JANE:_ OMG Stop it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki prods Jane for information and gets more than he bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updates. Recovering from the holidays took a little more time than I thought, lol.

[SCREENCAPS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/190423895978/text-alert-part-19)

**Loki: **Still suffering the after effects from your night of debauchery?

_Jane: _Can we just pretend that never happened?

**Loki: **Hm. Let's weigh the options, shall we?  
We could certainly continue on with you denying your growing (albeit conflicted) infatuation with me.  
Or we could accept your inebriated confessions as a significant turning point in our relationship, and skip straight to you giving me that longed-for kiss when I return.

_Jane: _Arrogance: (n) offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride.

**Loki: **That wasn't a 'no'.

_Jane: _That wasn't a "yes" either.

**Loki: **A 'maybe', is it? I accept. I'm quite adept at turning a 'maybe' into a 'yes'.

_Jane: _I refer you to the definition of arrogance I sent earlier.

**Loki: 😂  
**I'm really quite fond of this.

_Jane: _Me too.

**Loki: **Well, well, well. It appears we're going with the second option: honesty.

_Jane: _Don't get too excited. It's a probationary period.

**Loki: **Of course.  
Since you've agreed to the kiss, I'm content to move forward on a trial basis.

_Jane: _What?? I didn't agree to a kiss!

**Loki: **But you did. I refer you back to the terms of option two.

_Jane: _I'm pretty sure that won't hold up in a court of law.

**Loki:** Somehow I think it won't matter.

_Jane:_ I have some new words for you. Incorrigible. Overconfident...

**Loki:** Charming, witty, terribly attractive...  
Kissable.

_Jane:_ Punchable in the arm.

**Loki:** That as well.

_Jane:_ Glad to know that the honesty goes both ways.

**Loki:** Always.  
On a different topic: Will you tell me about him now?  
Your crush.

_Jane:_ You?  
I mean, the other you? The online you?

**Loki:** So you were speaking of me, then? When you bemoaned some silly thing you've done in the name of infatuation?

_Jane:_ What??  
Oh. OH. Him.  
Its...not important.

**Loki:** I beg to differ, min vakre vitenskapskvinne.

_Jane:_ Oh, really?

**Loki:** I'd very much like to know my competition.  
😉

_Jane:_ Gah! I told you about that back when you were just an anonymous friend on the internet.  
Weren't you on a date at the time?

**Loki:** Indeed. I recall telling you about your competition then. Turnabout is fair play, darling.

_Jane:_ *My* competition? Haha. I wasn't even in the running.

**Loki:** Oh, you were. And winning.  
Now it's my turn. Tell me.

_Jane:_ This is weird.  
And embarrassing.

**Loki:** Nevertheless...

_Jane:_ You're really not going to let this go.

**Loki:** 🤨

_Jane:_ Okay. OKAY. Ugh.  
But I get to veto the kiss.

**Loki:** Yes, but do you want to?

_Jane:_ You're playing with fire. You know that, right?

**Loki:** Mmm, yes. I like it.  
But enough dissembling. You said you would tell me.

_Jane:_ Grrrr I really hate you.  
I burned myself with a soldering iron.

**Loki:** Presumably when you were taking apart hundred thousand dollar equipment.

_Jane:_ IMPROVING it. Are you my friend or the holier-than-thou know-it-all?

**Loki:** Jane, dear. We talked about this. I'm both and more. Now, continue.

_Jane:_ I met him at the ER. He's a doctor. And I kind of made up an excuse to see him again. A sore throat.  
I'm going to crawl into a hole and die now, thanks.

**Loki:** What makes him worthy of your fascination?

_Jane:_ He's...charming. This is really uncomfortable. If you asked a few weeks ago it would have been easier.

**Loki:** I did ask a few weeks ago.  
Charming and what else?

_Jane:_ Fiiiiiiiiiiiine!!  
(You've lost any points you might have earned toward that kiss you want.)

**Loki:** Don't worry. I'll earn them back.

_Jane:_ Dr. Blake is handsome and funny and nice.  
Happy?

**Loki:** ...  
Dr. Donald Blake?

_Jane:_ I don't know his first name.

**Loki:** Tall, blond, built like a gladiator?

_Jane:_ You know him?

**Loki:** Of course it's him. Of bloody course.

_Jane:_ He's what? Your nemesis or something?

**Loki:** Afer a manner.  
He's my brother.  
Better known as Thor Odinson when he's not playing doctor.

_Jane:_ Wait. You're an Odinson??

**Loki:** Not when I can help it.  
Thank you, as ever, for an enlightening conversation. I'm afraid I must go.

_Jane:_ Bye... I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who hasn't read the comics, Donald Blake was who Thor was when he was sent to earth to learn how to be humble. 
> 
> Anyone think maybe Loki's going to have a conversation with his brother? :P
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Translation:
> 
> min vakre vitenskapskvinne: my beautiful scientist


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thor has a little fun with his brother once he learns Loki's reason for contacting him after years of silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** Things are building toward the end. I think maybe two or three more installments left! Thank you so much for coming on this zany ride with me!

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/190513467428/text-alert-part-20)

**LOKI:** Er du fremdeles på ditt feilslåtte, humanitære korstog, Thor? Akuttlege av alle ting, faktisk?

_THOR:_ Loki?  
No. Surely not! My brother is a ghost. He disappeared years ago.

**LOKI:** And yet, it seems like just yesterday that I was subjected to your banal sense of humour.  
It's a comfort how some things never change.

_THOR:_ Ha! Picking up where we left off, are we?  
Shall we get into an arm wrestling match for old time's sake?

**LOKI:** Another constant: your predilection for violence.  
I suppose it's fitting that you spend your days patching up the injured. An atonement, so to speak.

_THOR:_ There's that sharp tongue I've missed so much.  
Family dinners aren't the same without it.

**LOKI:** I'm sure our parents are mourning the loss of the black sheep greatly, indeed.

_THOR:_ Loki.  
You know that's not true. Mother has been beside herself all this time.

**LOKI:** And Odin?

_THOR:_ You know Father. He may not say the words, but he misses you as well.

**LOKI:** Ever the optimist, Thor.  
Forgive me if I have trouble reconciling your cheery memories of our upbringing with the truth.

_THOR:_ And you're just as determined to think the worst of us all.  
Did you contact me only to rehash these old arguments?

**LOKI:** No.

_THOR:_ Then out with it. What do you need from me?  
Because I somehow doubt you're ready to bury the hatchet.

**LOKI:** Depends on where it's being buried.

_THOR:_ 😂  
Ah, yes. I remember now that I must keep all my wits about me with you.

**LOKI:** You've grown soft.

_THOR:_ I prefer to call it 'relaxed'.

**LOKI:** Don't tell me some woman has stolen away with your heart.

_THOR:_ Why would you say that?

**LOKI:** Call it a brother's intuition.

_THOR:_ It could simply be that a life dedicated to aiding others has changed my perspective.

**LOKI:** So humble with that boast. Is that part of the hero complex? I wouldn't know, personally.

_THOR:_ I'd believe you...  
If it weren't for Lausnir Capital's extensive charitable contributions.

**LOKI:** I pay as much money as it takes to avoid attending those insufferable functions.

_THOR:_ Okay, sure.

**LOKI:** You're changing the subject.  
You were telling me about this woman who tamed the heir to the Borson empire.

_THOR:_ Joint-heir.

**LOKI:** He hasn't disowned me yet? I'm shocked.

_THOR:_ Are you truly?  
But you're right. Let's stay on topic.  
I'm curious. Why the sudden interest in my love life?

**LOKI:** It appears we have a mutual acquaintance.

_THOR:_ Oh? Who is that?

**LOKI:** A former patient of yours, Jane Foster.  
You treated her for burns, and then again for a sore throat.

_THOR:_ Oh, yes! The scientist with the adorable laugh.  
It's been a few weeks since I last saw her.  
I considered looking her up when I had time. I think I'll do just that. Thank you, brother.

**LOKI:** You'll look her up at your own peril.

_THOR:_ Threats, brother?  
I don't know. It might be worth earning your ire.  
She really does have a fetching blush. I wonder how I can get her to do it again.

**LOKI:** That's enough.

_THOR:_ Touchy.  
Now who's gone soft on a woman?  
I'll admit I'm surprised. She's not your usual type.

**LOKI:** And she's yours?

_THOR:_ Could be. I'd have to spend more time with her to know for sure.

**LOKI:** I believe I've made myself very clear on that point.

_THOR:_ Oh, don't be like that, Loki.  
I was only having a - what did you always call it? - a bit of fun.

**LOKI:** So long as we've understood one another.

_THOR:_ I understand that this Jane Foster must be truly special for you to come back from the dead to tell me to stay away.

**LOKI:** Do not test me, Thor.

_THOR:_ After all that excitement, I think you owe me a lunch.

**LOKI:** Let me check my diary.  
It appears I'm available the first of never. Will that do?

_THOR:_ Where's your spirit of cooperation?  
You buy me lunch, and I promise not to use my charm on Miss Foster.  
Everyone wins.

**LOKI:** Doctor Foster.  
And you won't use your charm either way.

_THOR:_ Come on. It's not as though I'm asking you to come home for family dinner.

**LOKI:** I shudder at the notion.  
I'm back in NYC on Friday.

_THOR:_ See? That wasn't so hard.  
Ta henne med deg til lunsj. Jeg vil gjerne sjekke hvordan det står til med min favorittpasient.

**LOKI:** Over mitt lik.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations:** _(Thank you, HitMeWithAnAxeOneTime!)_
> 
> Er du fremdeles på ditt feilslåtte, humanitære korstog, Thor? Akuttlege av alle ting, faktisk? = _Are you still on your misguided humanitarian crusade, Thor? ER-doctor of all things, in fact?_
> 
> Ta henne med deg til lunsj. Jeg vil gjerne sjekke hvordan det står til med min favorittpasient. = _Bring her with you to lunch. I would like to check how it goes with my favourite patient._
> 
> Over mitt lik. = _Over my corpse._


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jane surprisingly gets some good advice from Darcy and acts on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** I'm a little later than I wanted to be in updating, but here it is! 
> 
> Also, if you want to know my head canon for Loki and Jane's first online conversation, you can find it on my Tumblr [here](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/190435188013/before-the-beginning-since-i-have-several-irons-in).

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/190735619443/text-alert-part-21)

**DARCY:** Okay, I'm bored. Next time I think it's a great idea to spend an ENTIRE week with my family, tie me down until I come to my senses.  
"Yeah, Grandma. I totally want to hear how your colonoscopy went in grAPHIC DETAIL. Thank you."

_JANE:_ LOL

**DARCY:** Save me please!  
I need the next chapter of Sexy Billionaire Boss.

_JANE:_ What?

**DARCY:** Update me on what's going on with you and Mr. Hot Bossman. Come on!

_JANE:_ Nothing's happened.

**DARCY:** You haven't talked to him since you drunk texted him?  
Omg, you are such a chicken!

_JANE:_ Hey! I talked to him!

**DARCY:** Aaaaand???

_JANE:_ I maybe said that I was open to possibilities.

**DARCY:** Um, I hate to say it, but that's just a little bit HUGE.

_JANE:_ Yeah, it kinda was...until it wasn't.

**DARCY:** ???

_JANE:_ He was being his normal self - the online version. But then it got weird when he pushed me to tell him about a crush I mentioned forever ago.

**DARCY:** No!  
Jaaaaaaaaaaaane!!  
You did NOT tell him about Dr. Steamy McDreamy!!  
You don't tell guys you're hoping to get with about other guys you're crushing on!!  
(Unless he's into that.)

_JANE:_ I know that!  
He was practically badgering me to tell him!  
He's so sure of himself, I thought he would laugh it off.  
I think he probably would have if my old "crush" was practically anyone else in the universe.

**DARCY:** Hold up. Loki knows Dr. Steamy McDreamy?  
Don't tell me. They hang out at a club for rich, hot dudes.

_JANE:_ Honestly, that's better than the truth.  
Apparently Dr. Blake is is brother.

**DARCY:** Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!  
I thought your life was a romance novel, but now I'm pretty sure it's a soap opera!!

_JANE:_ I did not sign up for this!

**DARCY:** If you need someone to trade lives with you, I'm willing to make the sacrifice. Caught between two wealthy smoldering brothers? Sign me up!

_JANE:_ Oh yeah, I'm definitely living the dream.  
Loki's not talking to me and Dr. Donald Blake (not his real name, btw) is just some guy I thought was cute WEEKS AGO.

**DARCY:** Dr. Laufeyson, right? I wonder why he changed it. I bet it some sordid tale. Soap. Opera.

_JANE:_ He's actually Thor Odinson.

**DARCY:** ODINSON?!!!

_JANE:_ Yep.

**DARCY:** And Loki's... ?!

_JANE:_ Yep.

**DARCY:** I knew it! I knew I recognized Dr. Steamy McDreamy from somewhere! I TOLD you!!  
I'm googling!  
The doctor formerly known as Thor was in the tabloids, like a lot, back in the day. But then he just kinda vanished. Now we know what happened to him.  
But Loki... OMG

_JANE:_ What?

**DARCY:** Jane, you are TOTALLY in a soap opera!!

_JANE:_ What?!

**DARCY:** According to this article I'm reading, there was a gigantic blow out between him and Daddy Warbucks Odinson.  
Loki changed his name, started his own company and took half of the upper level people from Daddy Odinson's business empire with him.

_JANE:_ I don't even know what to say. Maybe it's better that he's not talking to me.

**DARCY:** Whaaaat?!  
Hell no!  
You are NOT giving up on the Sexy Billionaire Boss. I'm going to see this through to the end!

_JANE:_ OMG Darcy. You can't make me date the guy!

**DARCY:** Is that a challenge? Because I will totally do it!

_JANE:_ Stop. It's just too much... everything!

**DARCY:** Ugh. Just forget about everything I told you. You. Like. Him.  
The rest will work itself out. Even the soap opera.

_JANE:_ But  
Okay, that was actually wise advice.

**DARCY:** Yeah. That's because I'm people smart, Boss Lady.

_JANE:_ Except he's not talking to me.

**DARCY:** Even when you try texting or calling him?

_JANE:_ ...

**DARCY:** OMG. You haven't even texted him since things got weird??

_JANE:_ No?

**DARCY:** He can't do all the work in the relationship!  
Do. It. Now. Then do him.  
You're welcome.

* * *

**THURSDAY 21:17**

_Jane:_ Hi.

**THURSDAY 22:49**

_Jane:_ Hello.

**THURSDAY 23:52**

_Jane:_ Okay, you don't want to talk to me - why? Because I met your brother before you and I thought he was attractive and charming? And you're giving up just like that?  
I guess I was right. It really was all a game to you. And you're running away when you think you're not going to win.  
Fine. I'm done with this.

**FRIDAY 00:11**

**Loki:** I've just landed at JFK.  
And Jane, I never give up when I want something. Until tomorrow, min vakre vitenskapskvinne.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translation:**
> 
> min vakre vitenskapskvinne = my beautiful scientist
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! We're nearing the end of this wacky journey. If you have a moment, I'd love to hear your thoughts! XD


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jane finally lets herself be comfortable with Loki again, and he attempts to assuage her nerves with a familiar technique.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** I have 3 more installments planned for this wackadoodle story before it comes to a close. Woohoo! Also, all the links in this chapter work. (Though they don't open in a new window, so be aware!)

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/190949005493/text-alert-part-22)

**Loki:** Good morning, Jane.

_Jane:_ Hi.

**Loki:** How are we today? Feeling less fractious about my absence?

_Jane:_ Ha. Ha.  
You're not going to let me live that down, are you?

**Loki:** Why should I? I rather like knowing how much you missed me.

_Jane:_ I think I injured myself from rolling my eyes too hard.

**Loki:** Somehow I doubt that.

_Jane:_ You'll notice it the next time you see me and my eyes are crazy. One looking up, the other to the side...

**Loki:** 😂  
Yes, I'd very much like to see you.

_Jane:_ You could stop by the lab.

**Loki:** Why, Jane Foster, is that an invitation? I had no idea you missed me that much.

_Jane:_ Please. I'm just offering to let you check on your investment.

**Loki:** Yes, but which one?  
I do have more than one 'iron in the fire' when it comes to you.

_Jane:_ Ugh. You with the innuendo.

**Loki:** I have to bring something to the table, haven't I?

_Jane:_ Is there any room left on the table with an ego that size?

**Loki:** 😂  
Oh, my darling Lorent, how I've missed you.  
Alas, I cannot come by the lab today. I know, I know. Try to hold back your tears.

_Jane:_ My tears of joy?

**Loki:** Look at you. So much sass this morning. I like it.  
Dare I hope that we've finally turned the corner?

_Jane:_ Truth?

**Loki:** Yes, unless it's unfavorable. Then by all means, lie.

_Jane:_ I'm still nervous about all of this.

**Loki:** Come out with me tonight.

_Jane:_ That's the part I'm nervous about.

**Loki:** All the more reason to come out.  
I'll make a reservation at our usual place.

_Jane:_ Our usual place?

**Loki:** 8 pm at the 21 Club. Just as before, only not as brief and dramatic.

_Jane:_ OMG.  
I don't... I don't think I can ever show my face there again.

**Loki:** Of course you can.  
I've made another playlist, if that will allay your fears.

_Jane:_ You did not!

**Loki:** I did.  
The first song to set the mood:  
<https://youtu.be/kIt3OGra3Lo>

_Jane:_ Kiss Me Deadly? OMG

**Loki:** Lest you forget the critical objective of the evening.  
<https://youtu.be/OB-YD47ddWI>

_Jane:_ 😂  
I snorted my coffee!

**Loki:** There's always this option:  
<https://youtu.be/r3AP26ywQsQ>

_Jane:_ Loki!

**Loki:** Too much?  
Can you truly expect any less from a man with this as his theme song:  
<https://youtu.be/pTBDuLS9Dvc>

_Jane:_ I can't breathe! I'm dying!!

**Loki:** Listen closely. There are important lines in that for your ears only, min vakre vitenskapskvinne.  
😉

_Jane:_ You're my slave? Gonna let me whip you if you misbehave?

**Loki:** Mm. Or, if you prefer, punch me in the arm as you're so fond of threatening.

_Jane:_ 😂  
Stop! I can't take anymore.

**Loki:** Never.  
Come out. Be the bright light at the end of what promises to be a long day of tedious meetings and familial obligations.

_Jane:_ Now you're laying it on thick.

**Loki:** Oh, Jane. I haven't even begun to 'lay it on'.  
I've hardly used any Norwegian at all.

_Jane:_ True. But don't start now. Please.

**Loki:** Only if you agree to a second attempt at a first date.

_Jane:_ Blackmail. Nice.

**Loki:** What's a little harmless extortion between former adversaries?

_Jane:_ 😂

**Loki:** (You're forcing me to use all the tools in my arsenal, you realize.)

_Jane:_ Okay.  
I'll be there.  
(I'm still nervous.)

**Loki:** Even after all the soothing music I sent you?

_Jane:_ LOL  
Okay, I'm less nervous.  
But I don't think we've ever been face to face without having some kind of fight.

**Loki:** One small correction, darling: we've never been face to face when you haven't wanted to fight with me.

_Jane:_ Ugh. Not true.  
If you were in my shoes, you so would fight you.

**Loki:** Jane, Jane, Jane. If I hadn't been focused on playing the consummate professional - and if I hadn't been distracted by my bewitching online friend - this date would have happened weeks ago.  
I'm called away, unfortunately.  
One more before I go (Denne sangen er muligens mer ærlig):  
<https://youtu.be/7SuOVj2_wvw>  
Until tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Loki's Playlist:**
> 
> 1\. [Kiss Me Deadly](https://youtu.be/kIt3OGra3Lo) by Lita Ford  
2\. [Kiss Me Quick](https://youtu.be/OB-YD47ddWI) by Elvis Presley  
3\. [I Want Your Sex](https://youtu.be/r3AP26ywQsQ) by George Michael  
4\. [SexyBack](https://youtu.be/pTBDuLS9Dvc) by Justin Timberlake  
5\. [You Are Mine](https://youtu.be/7SuOVj2_wvw) by Mutemath
> 
> **Translations** (thanks to HitMeWithAnAxeOneTime!):
> 
> min vakre vitenskapskvinne = my beautiful scientist
> 
> Denne sangen er muligens mer ærlig = This song is perhaps more honest.
> 
> **A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! XD


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thor thwarts Loki's attempt to keep him from interacting with Jane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** Only two more installments after this one!

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/611587204173774848/text-alert-part-23)

**THOR:** Hello, Jane! I thought I'd set up this little group since my brother so rudely didn't bring you to lunch today.

_JANE:_ Lunch?

**THOR:** Yes, didn't he tell you? You were supposed to join us today.

**LOKI:** I never agreed to that. Jeg trodde vi var kommet til en enighet.

**THOR:** Det har vi, bror. Jeg er kun hyggelig.

**LOKI:** Dette er latterlig. Jeg forlater denne chatten.

**THOR:** Da kan jeg spørre Jane hva jeg vil. Jeg liker den tanken.

**LOKI:** Din drittsekk

_JANE:_ You guys do know that I can use Google Translate, right?

**THOR:** Loki! Mother would be appalled.

**LOKI:** But hardly surprised.

_JANE:_ I know I'm not.

**THOR:** 😂 I like you, Jane.

_JANE:_ Thanks, I think?

**THOR:** So, tell me how you two lovebirds met. What's the story?

**LOKI:** If I had wanted you to know, I would have told you at lunch.

_JANE:_ We met online.

**THOR:** Really? I seem to remember that you had a few strong opinions about online dating, Loki. What were they again?

**LOKI:** Don't.

**THOR:** Something about desperation and perpetuating lies. It was a magnificent diatribe. Don't get him started on catfishing.

_JANE:_ Oh, yeah? I find that very interesting.

**LOKI:** Having fun, both of you?

**THOR:** Absolutely.

_JANE:_ Yes.

**LOKI:** We met in a chat room for Harvard alumni and became quite acquainted with one another over the course of several months. Satisfied?

_JANE:_ You're leaving out the important parts.

**LOKI:** Oh? Like what? When you told me you loved me?

_JANE:_ You took that out of context!

**LOKI:** Did I, though? 🤔

_JANE:_ You forgot to mention that you knew who I was before we met, and we didn't exactly get along in real life.

**LOKI:** Shall we bring up the drunk texting episode while we're at it?

**THOR:** Please do. You two are incredibly entertaining.

**LOKI:** You see, that began when her assistant took her out to help her 'get me out of her system'...

_JANE:_ Don't. You. Dare.

**LOKI:** Apparently the scheme proved unsuccessful as she text me as soon as she was home.

**THOR:** Is that so? Tell me more.

_JANE:_ Another word and I'm not coming tonight.

**LOKI:** Alas, I am at Jane's mercy. My lips are sealed.

**THOR:** And just when I was getting the popcorn ready. Pity.

_JANE:_ Some stories are better left untold.

**LOKI:** Only the boring ones.

**THOR:** Never the good ones.

_JANE:_ Now I'm the one getting ganged up on.

**LOKI:** You needn't worry. I'd gladly toss Thor to the wolves for your sake.

_JANE:_ You might as well throw yourself at them too while you're at it.

**THOR:** I can see why you're smitten, brother. 😂 I don't remember you being quite so feisty the times we met, Jane.

_JANE:_ Yeah, well. He brings out the worst in me.

**LOKI:** Hardly.  
You like what I bring out in you.

**THOR:** Ahem. Don't forget the third party in this conversation.

**LOKI:** You could leave.

**THOR:** And miss all the fun?  
What other secrets do you have about my brother, Jane?

_JANE:_ Yes, let's swap stories!

**THOR:** I have plenty of them.

**LOKI:** Shall we play tit for tat? You tell one about me and I'll tell one about you - either of you.

_JANE:_ There's that blackmail again.

**THOR:** To be fair, he's very good at it.

_LOKI:_ Sadly, Jane and I must go now. Goodby, brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations** (Thanks to HitMeWithAnAxeOneTime!):
> 
> Jeg trodde vi var kommet til en enighet. = _I thought we had an understanding._
> 
> Det har vi, bror. Jeg er kun hyggelig. = _We do, brother. I'm only being friendly._
> 
> Dette er latterlig. Jeg forlater denne chatten. = _This is ridiculous. I'm leaving the chat._
> 
> Da kan jeg spørre Jane hva jeg vil. Jeg liker den tanken. = _Then I can ask Jane whatever I want. I like this idea._
> 
> Din drittsekk = _(you) sack-of-shit_
> 
> **A/N:** Thank you so much for reading this bit of crack!


	24. The Second First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki and Jane have their second first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** Just one more installment to go!

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/612182576269033472/text-alert-part-24)

_ **Twitter Thread by Suzy Eats Lemons** _

**7:49 PM:** OMG OMG OMG Guyzzzz! You're never going to believe this. So I'm at @21club again (w/family matron this time) & remember hot af villain dude?? HE'S HERE! 3-PIECE IS HERE!! #yummy

**7:54 PM:** He's def meeting someone again. Another date? I hope it ends better than the last one. (Is it bad that I'm secretly hoping it's feisty Tiny Lady again?) #neverforget #ishipit

**7:58 PM:** NO OMG IT *IS* TINY LADY. I CANNOT PEOPLE. I CANNOT. IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!! (Also, where did she get the dress?? It's hella gorgeous! #jealous)

**7:59 PM:** 3P stands w/the biggest grin & she doesn't look ready to commit murder this time. She's smiling, too. It's so SOFT imma die. #myshipissailing #3P+TLforever

**8:00 PM:** He says that thing in another language... WTF Grandma knows it?? It's Norwegian?? (She knows NORWEGIAN???) I kinda suck at being a grandkid. #shameface

**8:01 PM:** Her first marriage was to a Norwegian??? There was someone before Grandpa?? How the hell didn't I know this?? But I'm getting off track... Sorry guys. Back to our favorite OTP #illdealwithgrandmalater

**8:02 PM:** What 3P said to my girl is something like "my beautiful lady scientist" & guyzzz you need to Google Translate that shiz bc it sounds soooo cool. #norwegianishot

**8:03 PM:** He kissed her hand & in case ur wondering if this has turned into a Hallmark movie, my boy looks like he's got all kinds of #nsfw ideas rattling in his head atm #badboy

**8:05 PM:**

  * 3P: No kiss?
  * TL: You haven't earned it. But you deserve this. (socks him in the arm. OMG I love her)
  * 3P: (laughs) Feel better?
  * TL: After a few more of those I'll feel great.

**8:07 PM:** "So long as you kiss them better afterward, you may mete out your frustration all you want, darling." DAY-UM. Do it, TL. I need this to happen. #smoothmf #lovethataccent

**8:21 PM:** This date is going 💯 better than the last. TL's so f-ing adorable, I wanna take her home w/me & keep her 4ever. She's giggling & blushing. #3Piswinning #gomybadson #getuthatgirl

**8:34 PM:** So Imma need all my future dates to play with my hand like 3P is caressing TL's. They're barely touching the food. Pretty sure 3P is only hungry for TL. #itsgettinghotinhere #smexysmolder

**8:46 PM:** Like how can he touch her so chastely & I feel like a damn peeping tom?? He said something in that other language... Grandma?? Help a girl out?? Ugh. She won't. #itsinappropriate #shewonttranslate #shehatesme

**8:47 PM:**

  * TL: That's not fair. I don't know what you said
  * 3P: (leans forward with thirsty grin & whispers in her ear. OMFG HOT)
  * TL: (eyes wide, cheeks flush, says his name in shock, but she liked it.)
  * 3P: Objections? (SHE SAID "NO"!! UGH NOW I REALLY WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SAID!!)

**8:50 PM:** OMG OMFG His hands are cupping her jaw & HE'S KISSING HER. It's soft & sweet for all of 2 seconds & then he tilts her head & I CAN'T BREATHE ANYMORE. #ineedacoldshower #theyretotallygonnagetnaked

**8:54 PM:** B4 this turns into a damn porno, 3P stands up, drops a wad of cash & drags TL out. You know what's gonna happen next. 😈 And that, my dudes, is closure we all needed. #getit #3P+TLismyOTP #bestshowinnyc #stillmadatgrandma #whatdidhesay??


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some months later: in which Jane and Loki live happily (rascally) ever after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** Here is the conclusion to this bit of crack fic. Thank you so much for coming on the journey with me! Just a quick reminder, all the links in the story should work!
> 
> Still dying to know that Loki said to Jane during their second first date? It's in the end notes!

[SCREENSHOTS ON TUMBLR](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/post/614939369000812544/text-alert-part-25-now-complete-previous-from)

_ **SOME MONTHS LATER...** _

**Loki:** Are you on your way yet?

_Jane:_ I thought you'd be resting after your flight.

**Loki:** When are you coming home?

_Jane:_ Lol. I have to finish some paperwork first.  
You could come help me.

**Loki:** Jeg vet om bedre ting å gjøre sammen med deg enn papirarbeid.

_Jane:_ 🙄 Yeah, I'm sure.

**Loki:** It's been ages, min vakre vitenskapskvinne.

_Jane:_ It's been 2 weeks.

**Loki:** As I said: ages.  
Well?

_Jane:_ I'm thinking... 30 minutes.

**Loki:** 20

_Jane:_ OMG you can't haggle down the time it takes me to do paperwork.  
It's for taxes. I've got a deadline.

**Loki:** 15

_Jane:_ Loki. 😠

**Loki:** 13  
Final offer.

_Jane:_ Lokiiii. 😡

**Loki:** *sigh* Can't blame a desperate man for trying.  
Perhaps another tactic is in order.

_Jane:_ This ought to be good.

**Loki:** A playlist to inspire you to work quickly.

_Jane:_ (I'm going to regret this.) Okay. Lay it on me.

**Loki:** Lay on you? Gladly, darling.

_Jane:_ IT. Lay IT on me - meaning the playlist.

**Loki:** That's not nearly as fun, but if you insist...  
The first song: <https://youtu.be/4G6QDNC4jPs>

_Jane:_ That's... That's actually kind of sweet. I can believe you missed me while you were in Hong Kong.

**Loki:** 🤨 Did you doubt I would?

_Jane:_ No, I didn't.  
But that song choice is... I don't know.

**Loki:** I know. 😉  
Next song: <https://youtu.be/Oxu3pq319r0>

_Jane:_ Aaaannnd Loki is back.  
OMG 😂

**Loki:** Surely you can appreciate the eloquence of Color Me Badd.

_Jane:_ I think "blatant" might be a better word for it.

**Loki:** Perhaps.  
Next: <https://youtu.be/JEyRg5mXLAQ>

_Jane:_ 🤣🤣🤣 Are you serious??

**Loki:** Quite. This speaks to me on so many levels.

_Jane:_ Handcuffs? Really?

**Loki:** Oh, yes.  
For you, I'm more than willing.

_Jane:_ Dust

**Loki:** I rue the day my brother taught you that word.

_Jane:_ I don't. 😝

**Loki:** Of course you wouldn't.  
But we've gone off track. I have one more song for you.

_Jane:_ Wait! Don't tell me!  
I want to guess.  
Is it I'll Make Love to You by Boyz 2 Men? Or Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye?  
Oh! Oh! I know!!  
LoveGame by Lady Gaga!!

**Loki:** 😂😂😂  
Oh, Jane. Har jeg fortalt deg i det siste hvor mye du elsker meg?

_Jane:_ 🤨 Either you or Google Translate got mixed up.

**Loki:** Neither. I said precisely what I meant to.

_Jane:_ Yeah, okay. Keep telling yourself that, then.

**Loki:** I will.  
As for your guesses, they were all worthy but incorrect.  
If you remember the pattern, I send you three songs that express ideas of what we could and should do together.

_Jane:_ Right, right. And then a theme song for you.

**Loki:** Only this time it's for you.

_Jane:_ So thoughtful of you.

**Loki:** Exceedingly so.  
<https://youtu.be/d4-1ASpdT1Y>

_Jane:_ Somehow I think this is still for you.

**Loki:** What? A theme song can't be mutually beneficial?

_Jane:_ 🤨

**Loki:** Spoilsport.  
Would this be an acceptable alternative then?  
<https://youtu.be/V83JR2IoI8k>

_Jane:_ 🤣😂🤣😂🤣  
Yes. I accept that as my theme song.

**Loki:** Are you coming now?

_Jane:_ I would probably be done already if SOMEONE didn't keep texting me.

**Loki:** Yes, Ms. Lewis really can be terribly chatty.

_Jane:_ Yeah, it's totally Darcy blowing up my phone. 🙄  
I'll be home soon, and we can have dinner together.

**Loki:** And dessert? 😈

_Jane:_ Don't. Don't you dare say it.

**Loki:** Why ever not - when it's worked so well since the very first night?  
(Even better: it's turned out to be true.)

_Jane:_ Because I'm trying to work right now!

**Loki:** Jane, Jane, Jane. Jeg ser for meg at smaken av deg er en bedre dessert.

_Jane:_ I hate you.

**Loki:** You don't.

_Jane:_ You know what? I have a song for you: <https://youtu.be/h5HX9YFIAt4>

**Loki:** Oh, I like this. 😈  
But I want all the strings attached.

_Jane:_ You can have them.

Loki: I'm sending a car

Jane: I'm already on my way.

Loki: Jeg elsker deg.

Jane: Jeg elsker deg også.

**~FIN~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRANSLATIONS:** (thanks to HitMeWithAnAxeOneTime!!)
> 
> min vakre vitenskapskvinne = _my beautiful scientist_  
Jeg vet om bedre ting å gjøre sammen med deg enn papirarbeid. = _I know of better things to do with you other than paperwork._  
Har jeg fortalt deg i det siste hvor mye du elsker meg? = _Have I told you lately how much you love me?_  
Dust = _simple minded person (shortened from "din dust," meaning "you simple minded person")_  
Jeg ser for meg at smaken av deg er en bedre dessert = _I imagine that the taste of you is a better dessert._ **(YES, THIS IS WHAT LOKI SAID TO HER AT THE END OF THEIR SECOND ATTEMPT AT A FIRST DATE!)**  
Jeg elsker deg (også) = _I love you (too)_
> 
> **Loki's Playlist:**
> 
> 1\. [Everytime We Touch](https://youtu.be/4G6QDNC4jPs) by Cascada  
2\. [I Wanna Sex You Up](https://youtu.be/Oxu3pq319r0) by Color Me Badd  
3\. [It's Your Duty (to Shake That Booty)](https://youtu.be/JEyRg5mXLAQ) by Lene Nystrøm  
4\. [Venus](https://youtu.be/d4-1ASpdT1Y) by Bananarama  
5\. [She Blinded Me With Science](https://youtu.be/V83JR2IoI8k) by Thomas Dolby
> 
> And the song Jane sent Loki? [Bad Things](https://youtu.be/h5HX9YFIAt4) by Meiko
> 
> But wait! There's more! If you want to listen to all the songs linked in this fic and you have Spotify, I've created a playlist you can find [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1NO0gMtWVXG4o9WxUfUyeO?si=-rzo9Xh_Qkyf5obsrWOaFg).
> 
> **A/N:** Thank you again for riding this wild ride with me. I know this is the end, but I HAVE GOOD NEWS! I am now accepting prompts for prose (not texting) ficlets in this universe. [You can drop them in my askbox on Tumblr](https://therealstartraveller776.tumblr.com/ask). (And yes, I do accept anonymous asks!)


End file.
